In Christ Alone

A woman at work asked me "Did you ever think you would be the wife of a pastor?"

My response: "Hahaha no! I never thought my life would be anything that it is now. I never thought I would be a born again believer, or listen to contemporary Christian music, or raise my hands in joyous praise. Or spend my days teaching the gospel to pre-schoolers. Let alone marry a man who may one day be a pastor."

On further reflection, I never thought my life would be many more things. I never thought I would finish college, now here I am in my last semester. I never thought I would have a tattoo, and now I have one that proclaims Christ's power to set us free.

I never thought I would declare myself a sinner. Or openly discuss the things I tried to keep hidden for so long.

Now here I am. Set free. "Sins curse has lost its grip on me." I am still a sinner. But as my tattoo proclaims: "The law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death" (Roman 8:2)

This is the power of Christ. He has changed me and my life.

yeah, I married this guy

My husband is so great. That is all.

http://onetallgent.blogspot.com/2013/09/furthering-kingdom.html

Weariness Wednesday, except It's Friday

Life makes me weary. The constant worship of things unGodly and absolutely disgusting wears me out. This week, I have been disgusted and distraught over the Miley Cyrus business, while people are being fumigated to death in Syria. Children I know are crying and fighting because they didn't get the newest iPhone for their birthday. While other children I recently met are serving children on the Thai/ Burma border, quoting scripture from memory and carrying backpacks packed full of supplies for those Burma children. 13, 10, and 7 year old are being raised to serve others or to serve themselves. The most frustrating part of all of this is to know that I am on the list of people who serve themselves. The majority of the time, I seek after my own pleasure before I seek to further the Kingdom of God.

Lord forgive us and turn to strengths our weaknesses.

Leader, Friend, and Lover aka My Man

I would just like to take a moment to make you all barf at how in love I am with my man. And thus I commence in publicly boasting about the man I call husband:

This morning, on my walk/run, God reminded me of all the things I am blessed with and they are all wrapped up in one very tall man. This man is the fearless leader of our home. He is trustworthy and trusting. He is endlessly patient and forgiving of me. He loves God and lives to serve God. He is the hardest working man I have ever met. He is honest in all of his doings, my best friend and confidant and a complete hunk. I wrong him daily and he always forgives me. He loves me better than any man ever has and he deserves more respect than I could ever give.

I think of the ways that I have sinned; demanding respect but giving none, forcing a fake love in relationships that valued worldly things above God, begging men who had no feelings for me to love me (and I mean literally begging). And then some.

I did this all in the pursuit of a love no man can give. God has shown me that love Himself and still does (His love never fails, in case you didn't know) and continues to show me that type of love through the love of my husband.

I know that my man is not perfect but I can say (or write rather) that Nathan Scott Lemke is the most honorable man I have ever met and I am endlessly blessed to call him the leader of my home, my best friend, and my lover.

"Jesus Wants the Rose:" Jesus wants You

Recently I watched this video: I was sitting on the bed. The ex-bf (the abusive one) was standing over me. He was drunk, and probably high on something, and kept repeating over and over again "NOBODY WANTS YOU!" and again "why would anyone want you?" "you deserve me treating you this way" "you will never find anyone who will want you." This went on for almost 3 hours that night. Finally, he left and I was alone. That is when I heard "I want you" "I have always wanted you." I responded "then take me." That night I gave my life to Christ, a few weeks later, He delivered me from my abuser. And a few more weeks later, He brought me to my husband. Broken and lost, He saved me.

Summer Time Snooze

I have got the summer time blues or what I like to call the summer time snooze. I'll explain: It is summer time, normally summer is my time. I am never unhappy in the summer. How could I be? I mean the sun is hot, the lemonade cold, and the fun never ends. Only this year, the fun seems to have ended. All I do now is think about Nazi Germany, technical writing, and dumb psychology 1010. The only ray of sunshine in my week is public speaking, who would have thought? I only like it because it requires little to no prep work. So, summer school has got me in the dumps, but why call it summer time snooze? Because those dumps translate to me being a lump...on the bed, or couch, or ground...sleeping in an effort to avoid Nazi fascism. I firmly believe in the "come all ye who are heavy laden and I will give thee rest" thing. I only wish it said "come all thee who are heavy laden with summer school and I will take that test." I just need to remember that in 5 more weeks, I will be 12 credits closer to being done, AND only have 12 credits left of my college career. Lord help me get through the summer though.

Happy Holy Week

In less than a week, we celebrate Christ's victory, His victory over death, and over sin. He said in the temple at Nazareth “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”(Luke 4). He came to heal your heart and set you free! And It is Finished! Praise be to our Gracious King! Forever and ever.

Because Love Compels Me To

Recently, I have run into the notion that I should keep my religious beliefs to myself. Why? Why do you need me to hide my beliefs to feel comfortable with me, or any other person for that matter? There are several reasons I publicly praise God. 1: I believe in relationship instead of religion. My relationship with God is the MOST important relationship I have because it defines me, renews me, strengthens me, and heals me. And this relationship guides every other relationship I have, and I mean every other relationship I have. I believe God is the steward of all things, because He created all things, including relationships. 2: God is not diminished by my failure to acknowledge His works in my life, I am. I believe in giving credit where credit is due, and I am better for it. It teaches me humility and humility allows for growth. 3: God is love. Love is the strongest force on Earth, stronger that fear. When you are moved by love, the entire world becomes a better place. I want to spread love. That is my mission in this life, to spread love. God is the purest form of love I know (and I hardly comprehend what pure love means). 4: My purest joy, and richest happiness comes from my relationship with God. He completes me, He makes me whole. Because He created me, He knows what I need, when I need it, and how I need it. I want you to know that sort of love, fulfillment, and joy. I make no demands, or assumptions about what you need in your life. I only offer the example that God is making of me. Love moves me, God moves me, and I have never been better.

Spring Fever

For me, spring fever kicks in New Years day and the symptoms get worse and worse until it gets to be 90 degrees outside. It is February 6th, my half birthday, and 70 degrees outside. I am stuck inside "writing" a paper. This is what I call inhumane. I'm supposed to be writing a memoir. Who knew that writing about myself would be so difficult, especially when I do it on this here blog all the time. I have squeaked out 700 words (I need at least 1500) and am out of anything left to say about me. Plus I have a lot of other things on my mind, like outside, hiking, swimming, starting a garden, sitting outside, laying outside, standing outside, drinking lemonade outside, and of course, going outside. Oh 70 degrees, you are a tease that will get me a bad grade, or several.

I would like to thank the academy ...

Today, at roughly 11 a.m., I successfully (hopefully) completed the semester from New Jersey. I would say hell but New Jersey seems more appropriate. There are some of FB status' I would like to post of remarks about this semester but so I don't forget any, I am doing them all at once: 1: Pardon me while I tuck 18 credits under my belt. 2: In July, freedom smells like hot dogs and fireworks. In December, at the end of the semester, freedom smells like hour and hours Gilmore Girls and fudge, at least it would smell like fudge had my husband not eaten it all last night. 3: There are a lot of people I would like to thank. First, I would like to thank Garrett Faylor for the fist pump of triumph and solidarity. Secondly, I would like to thank April Jackson for loving my hair as much as I do. I would also like to thank Jesse Cook for keeping the change that occurs in his voice (it goes to a higher pitch I am not kidding) when I am sounding like an idiot to a minimum. Thank you to those strange and sometimes inappropriate dreams about my professors that kept the class interesting. And of course my husband for keeping me well fed and almost sane. I would also like to thank myself for not killing anyone in their sleep or mine. I think I had a few more but forgot them while writing my acceptance speech. Here is to three weeks of sleeping in, clear skin, and non-achy muscles. The last three weeks have been a real bear but it's all over now. Well, until January.

School but mostly Praise to my friends and my God

School has driven me to edge of my sanity. So that's all on that subject. Other bits have brought me back to my center. My last post, what to say about that. It helped me much more than I ever knew or expected. I hate to sound cliche' but I seriously had no idea how freeing that would feel. Lately, the words from O Holy Night have taken on a new meaning for me. "Chains shall He break for the slave is a brother and in His name ALL oppression shall cease." Admitting out loud to myself and at the same time everyone else in the world, brought an experience of freedom and release that rivaled the freedom I experienced when I gave my life to God. The love and support I felt and continue to feel was something I did not expect to feel or receive. Thank you for the love you have shown, the love that brings healing. Most importantly, praise be to the Lord for true deliverance and freedom that comes from His loving sacrifice. "Let all within us Praise His holy name."

It's Ugly but It's not What It Looks Like

Lately, I have been reflecting on where I was a year ago (as many do when the year comes to an end)and I am starting to see where I was a year ago in ways that I didn't recognize at the time. I knew that I was in an abusive relationship when the physical violence started, what I didn't recognize was that it was abusive long before it ever became physical. We all know the textbook definition of abuse and I knew that abuse wasn't just a physical thing. What I didn't understand was that it's not always a conscious thing either. Before, my idea of an abusive man was someone with a mental check list that went something like this: Today, mock her endlessly for the way she does her hair Tomorrow, do my best to make her feel guilty for spilling water and the next day, literally beat her over the head with the Bible while telling her that her religious beliefs are cult like. And because I thought that abuse was a conscious choice, I felt guilty for not being able to recognize the malicious plan this man had to tear down everything he could, and I hated that I was the "type" of woman that would let a man do that to me. And even after the relationship ended, I was (and still am on some level) tormented with the idea and belief that there is something wrong with me,that because I didn't recognize what was abuse that I let it happen. Granted, even after I realized and recognized abuse, I stayed in the relationship longer than I should. What I am trying to say is that I didn't realize that it was abusive, that I was being mentally, and emotionally abused long before he ever raised a hand against me. It's a slow process, from my experience on both sides of the relationship. It didn't start with him immediately belittling the way I dressed, and it didn't immediately start with me accepting every jeer he threw my way. As the violence of his abusive behavior escalated, so did my level of toleration and willingness to look the other way. I didn't want to write this because I wanted every one to throw a pity party for me. I am healing and being healed, the lasting effects of that relationship still creep up and I am sure they will for a long time. I don't know what my intent behind writing this is, maybe to bring healing to myself and others, or maybe to say that abuse isn't always stereotypical. I realize that what I experienced is only a fraction of what some women experience, but putting it into "perspective" was part of the problem. Even when I recognized that it was abuse, I rationalized it as well at least he doesn't hit me. Then when he did hit me, well at least he doesn't hold a gun to my head, and then when it escalated as these things do, and he did hold a gun to my head, well at least he didn't pull the trigger. (And thank God that he didn't) I'm still learning what abuse means and what it looks like but I do know that the "well she should have recognized it, or I told you all along that you should get out of that relationship" it doesn't help and it often adds guilt and shame. I am so thankful that I got out of that alive. And I am thankful for the ways the Lord is healing me. One of those ways being my wonderful husband. What a difference a year makes.

We're not that Special

I, like many of you, am exhausted by the thought of a few more weeks of political rhetoric still ahead. I'm frustrated by it and annoyed by it but what I find most disheartening is the sentiment that we should keep our opinions to ourselves because minds aren't going to be changed. While that may be true for some, I generally disagree with the sentiment because when we have more information to work with, our minds may change. Otherwise, what is the point of learning? Some call this being a flip-flop (as if it's a bad thing to change positions once more information has been attained). I have been wrestling with writing this post for a while now because I didn't want to be one more voice spouting an angry, one sided, political view but I couldn't get it out of my head so now I am putting it on paper (well internet paper). It's a bit naive to think that there was ever a time in this country without political rhetoric. From this countries inception, the debate among politicians and constituents has been for more or less democracy. In the beginning, Thomas Jefferson and his "Jeffersonians" argued against that other group about the economy. Jefferson argued that less government involvement meant more democracy for all, and thank goodness for us, his argument won out. And every election cycle, the argument continues. This election is no different. We all know that each candidate has a "plan" and personal ideas of how to "fix" and "change" what is, in their minds, wrong with the country. My worry and question is this: Which plan offers more freedom? Not just for me, but for everyone now and anyone who will come to be? Our generation, and this electoral cycle is not that special. More government involvement or less? I'm on the side of Jefferson, I would like less government involvement in every aspect of my life. Including but not limited to school, work, and my health care.

Gratitude now!

Serenity now! Serenity now! But I feel more like gratitude now, gratitude now! Why? Because I feel ungrateful lately, evident in the way I whined about my quesadilla falling apart when I was trying to eat it, at least I have a quesidilla to eat. Have you noticed I don't know how to spell quesedilla? Yeah well I'm an English major not a Spanish major. Anyhow, things I'm grateful for: 1: A good and loving God 2: My good looking, good cooking husband 3: the opportunity to go to school (got to keep repeating that one to myself) 4: a car that runs like a kitten purr, or however the saying goes 5: the opportunity to be humbled, not that I am wishing for that fyi I'm just grateful for the growth it brings 6: the mountains and going for hikes with the man 7: making my shirt into a bag to carry pine cones home in, we call that ingenuity 8: fresh veggies from my uncles garden 9: healthy ways to keep my pits from stinking to high heaven (I don't trust deordorant, it's poison) 10: and again my ever patient and loving husband. I could go on but I have a paper to write. (Serenity now!)

God's Grace

No one knows how to make God sound like a rock star more than Joel Osteen. Occasionally, I find myself enjoying his programming and listening to him proclaim things like "Our God is far out!" Through time and strife, I have come to appreciate Joel and his insight. Especially when he says things like "You are heavy laden,not with burdens. Not with troubles, but with God's grace. You are heavy laden with God's favor.You only have to give God permission to flood you with blessings." This statement reminded me of another unexpected source of insight, Creflo Dollar. Weird right. But I once heard him say to his congregation "God's grace is already there. Forgiveness is done. All it is for you to do is to take ownership of what God has already done." This I know, God is limitless. The atonement is already done, which means healing is done, forgiveness is done, love is already there and available. By not accepting the blessings, love and healing that is already made for us, we are limiting God. By not owning the things provided us, we are denying the love God gave us through His son. I find myself doing this very thing in many areas of my life. In the words of Joel Osteen "You walk in God's grace. You are showered with His favor. Why do you deny Him the great pleasure of blessing you with greatness?"

Bread Brain

For almost a whole month, my work has been on hiatus. This has made me very very bored. After a few out of boredom melt downs, I made bread. And have been making bread. Lots of bread. Sometimes the man even makes bread. We have gone from eating no bread at all to 2 loaves a week. What a joy. My mouth is watering just waiting for the fresh loaves to get out in about 2 minutes. But really, is there anything better than fresh baked bread smothered in home made jam? Oh that's right, we made jam too. Just call me Laura Ingles.

I have something to say about that...

Lately, and when I say lately I mean like the last few years, I have been trying to decide how I feel about homosexuality and especially when it comes to marriage. I have done a lot of reading, thinking, and praying about the subject. I have change my mind about it several times. And then I decided to let my heart decide. My head has said over and over, "No big deal, they aren't hurting anyone, Live and Let Live." This has been my thinking but it never felt right to me. My heart was never at peace. My heart tells me that there is something more to marriage than just happiness. My heart also tells me that a persons gender means something. And that both genders have a place in a marriage and in a family. And that children that are brought into that family have a right to grow in the strength of both feminine and masculine love. This does not mean that I believe persons in same sex relationships should be treated badly. And as far as legal unions between these, I am still unsure of where I stand. My post today is regarding the way I feel those who do believe same sex marriage is ok treat those of us who don't. To me, the hypocrisy seems to be as clear as day but maybe it isn't for others. A big argument I see on the interslice is an attitude that those who support homosexuality are bullied and badgered by those of us who don't. And that may be true, in fact, I'm sure it is. On the other hand, I see private organizations and businesses and even myself being demonized for standing up for what they believe, and I see that the bullying is on both sides. What I see and feel is that people of differing beliefs are asking each other to be small. In fact I have read and seen on both sides that those who disagree should "be ashamed of themselves." I have been told this myself, that I should be ashamed of something I posted on Pinterest. It would seem that now the side opposite of what I believe is saying, we're done being small, this is who we are, see us. But they seem to be doing so by trying to make me small. Trying to make me feel ashamed and small because of my beliefs, that I have spent time and love and it has been difficult to come to these beliefs. Basically what I am saying is, if you have something to prove, than prove it. But as we have all been taught since youth, You don't make yourself bigger by making others small.

Girls and Boys

Ok so here are a few things on my mind since I have been MIA. I'm slowly coming out of the newly wed bliss state. But I don't expect a full recovery for a long while. Number one thing on my mind, I can't seem to remember to do anything but watch Awkward. and play on Pinterest. Every other day I'm like oh here is a list of things to do and then I completely forget about it for a few days. Oh well, none if it is that important anyway, right? I mean who needs to make sure things at the bank are in order or make sure moneys owed to people get paid. Silly stuff. Second, I feel really annoyed that girls (and boys for that matter) are so darn trashy these days. I just don't understand why teenagers are all so needy and trashy and why I find it to be as funny as it is annoying and detestable. Thirdly, I would like to post wedding pictures and let you all gawk at how lovely I look, but it doesn't seem to be working. Darn.

He is not here; He is Risen

This last week I was surrounded and reminded of a time not long ago when I was literally surround by hate. The man I was in a relationship was abusive in every way possible. There were nights that I was physically and emotion abused for hours at a time and I had never felt more alone and more surrounded by the love of my Redeemer. How could he do this to me when I had loved him so much? At a time when I wished he would die, the Savior saved me from my own hate. It was a painful and emotional journey to my Lord but He had come and I was not alone. I can't say that I believe the LDS church is true but I can and I will shout it to the world that I know my Redeemer lives. I know that He walked alone so I would not have to do so. I know that He loves me, I know that He died for my sins. And I know that He rose from the grave that I would not have to know the pain of death or the pain of separation from my Heavenly Father. Jesus the Christ died for my sins and my hate that I may be redeemed and saved and brought to the true love of Christ.

Happy Easter to us all! He is not here, He is Risen!

Here Comes the Bride!!

Aaaaahhhh!!! My wedding dress is here! And it is wonderful, a little long but beautiful. I love it. I can't believe that I am getting married. Weird. Wonderfully weird.