Waste Not, Want Not...Or Not

I am quickly learning and firmly believing that nothing is ever wasted. I recently found myself saying something along the lines of 'I don't want to waste my time with something fruitless." And then, in another strange flashback, I was taken back to my geology class and my teacher said "Every drop of water on this Earth will always be on this Earth. It is recycled and reused and pushed under ground and evaporated into the air but it is never wasted." Or something to that affect and it hit me, nothing is wasted. The last year and half with the ex wasn't wasted time, or wasted love, or wasted anything. From that time, I learned and I grew and I became better. I didn't waste love on someone who just took it without a thought of sharing any with me. (Which is how I felt for a long time. Why love him when he isn't giving me any love. Which seems an immature thought but think about it, how many times do you not do something, some random act of love and kindness because you think it won't come back to you or that it will be unappreciated or unnoticed? We all do that.) It (meaning love given out) may not be used in the way that you intended it and you may not even see that love being used and felt, but that doesn't mean the Love isn't being used or felt. Time spent on doing silly things, making mistakes, or just being a dumby is not a waste. It's all part of the journey and what you put out will improve someones life. You may not realize it at the time, but in the end, it will improve your life as well. How freeing is that, to feel and realize that nothing is lost or wasted? For me, it makes following my heart more do able. My brain has a bad habit of saying "Hey that act of joy is wasting our time getting down to business". I think I'm just going to ignore that killjoy of a brain from now on.

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

I love Christmas time. Mostly because I love the music. My favorite Christmas song varies from year to year and this year it's "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." I think about the lyrics and feel a sense of peace and gratitude. My favorite lines are those concerning our Savior coming to free us from Satan's power and might. I feel free, and I feel alive, and I feel so submersed in God's love that Love is the only thing that seems to flow out of me lately.

I was contemplating the direction my life has taken since leaving my parent's home and venturing on my own and my thought was, what did I ask for from my Father that lead me to the lessons and experiences that I have since experienced? And I remembered of a time when I asked to learn to love like He loves.

I have a long way to go still. But I know that any of the pain that I ever felt and ever will feel is so that I will know how to comfort and love those that feel pain. Just as the joy I have ever and will ever feel is so I know how to celebrate with those who rejoice.

Our experiences aren't so different that we can't understand each other's lives. We aren't meant to pretend that everything is ok. If we are hurting, it's ok to reach out and ask for comfort. We've all experienced pain and loss. It doesn't mean you're weak or crazy for feeling things and for feeling things deeply.

We're never alone. And that is a huge tiding of comfort and joy.

I Must Go, The World is Calling

I have been bitten by the travel bug. I can't help it. The list of places I want to go is getting longer and longer. I feel as though I am coming out of my skin. At the top of my list? The northern lights. Alaska and all of it's cold is calling me. Dear Lord, please open up the path for me to see Your wondrous creations. And do it soon. Please.

How Do I Loathe Thee. . .

Here are just a few things that I despise:

1: People who talk about how bored they are on FB. The older they are, the worse it is. You're bored, really you're like 29, adults can do what they want so really do something about it.

2: Baby growth tracker apps. I dry heave every time I see one of those creepy cartoon fetus things.

3: Sort of related to number 2, women who describe their private parts online. "I'm dilated to a pumpkin and cervix is in a great position." No one wants to hear about your vag, just post a picture when the baby comes out, we don't need a play by play of your lady parts stretching.

4: That stupid commercial with the door bell. Tricks me every time. Ok well twice.

The Incredible Hulk, Only Purple

Suddenly I feel the surge of power through my veins. I imagine this is the way the Hulk feels when he gets angry, only my surge happens when I feel loved instead of angry. I am reassured that I am enough. I am equipped, empowered, and anointed to do what God has sent me to do. I have what it takes and I am something this world needs. I have something to offer that no one else in this world has and I am here for a reason. And feeling that in every part of my body gives me the strength to rip my shirt off, only I like this shirt so I won't rip it.

Lost in Translation

Compassion seems to be at the forefront of all my thoughts. I am seeing "Be gentle, I am hurting" signs everywhere I look. These are not real signs, but lately I seem to be seeing the pain in everyone's face. I can see it in my exes face every time I see him stumbling around. It says "Be gentle with me. I'm losing my father to brain cancer and I'm struggling to control my own addictions." My heart aches for him and I wish desperately that I could take that pain from him. Somehow though, it all turns to anger, and bitterness and instead of showing love and compassion, I spout hurtful words and venomous stares. Instead of offering comfort, I complain that he can't see past his own pain to recognize that others are hurting too, more specifically that I am hurting.

I see this man every day and it's not easy. I keep begging for a way out. Please Lord I can't take anymore, show me the way out. And the answer, or feeling that I keep getting is "you're not done, he needs your love." To which I usually reply, "I have no more love to give him." "My love, you have more love to give than most people."

But the love and comfort I want to give seems to get lost in translation. How do you love the unlovely?

This is Me; Butt Naked (Hypothetically Speaking)

I have come to realize that I keep looking for God in the wrong places. More I keep looking for Him to communicate with me in the wrong ways. This morning I had an epiphany of sorts, although it didn't really feel like a stop me in my tracks I finally get it get it sort of epiphany. It was more of a passing thought that said "ok I see now" and then another thought "why didn't I notice that earlier? What I have I missed by looking in the wrong places?" The actual realization didn't shake me to my core but the implications will change my life forever. I am a reader. I love reading and always have so it makes sense that God would speak to me through the writing of other and the writing of myself.

God moves me in many ways. Through music, colors, nature and the love of others, I see and feel God. But when I'm reading,and most of the times it doesn't even matter what it is I'm reading, I hear God speaking to my heart and soul. The answers I am looking for are suddenly understood.

The truth is, I am broken and hurting and lost. And I keep begging God for understanding and comfort. And I kept looking for Him to show His love for me by leaving flowers on my doorstep, as strange as that sounds. And then it hit me "you're a writer, naturally I will speak to you through writing." And then I had this strange, twilight-zoney experience of all the words from books and blogs that have brought me healing. And of all the loved ones that brought those words to my life. It first started with a recommendation from a friend to read a book called "Wild at Heart." I think this friends intentions in me reading it were really to help understand men, which it did but more over, it helped me understand the role of God as a father and man in my life. Wild at Heart brought healing to my soul and lead me to another book called "Captivating" that brought even more healing to my soul. And it continued to spiral. Friends keep recommending books that bring comfort and healing and bring me closer in my relationship to God.

I have something to offer this world. And I think that it has something to do with my words.