Monday, October 31, 2011

Lost in Translation

Compassion seems to be at the forefront of all my thoughts. I am seeing "Be gentle, I am hurting" signs everywhere I look. These are not real signs, but lately I seem to be seeing the pain in everyone's face. I can see it in my exes face every time I see him stumbling around. It says "Be gentle with me. I'm losing my father to brain cancer and I'm struggling to control my own addictions." My heart aches for him and I wish desperately that I could take that pain from him. Somehow though, it all turns to anger, and bitterness and instead of showing love and compassion, I spout hurtful words and venomous stares. Instead of offering comfort, I complain that he can't see past his own pain to recognize that others are hurting too, more specifically that I am hurting.

I see this man every day and it's not easy. I keep begging for a way out. Please Lord I can't take anymore, show me the way out. And the answer, or feeling that I keep getting is "you're not done, he needs your love." To which I usually reply, "I have no more love to give him." "My love, you have more love to give than most people."

But the love and comfort I want to give seems to get lost in translation. How do you love the unlovely?

Monday, October 24, 2011

This is Me; Butt Naked (Hypothetically Speaking)

I have come to realize that I keep looking for God in the wrong places. More I keep looking for Him to communicate with me in the wrong ways. This morning I had an epiphany of sorts, although it didn't really feel like a stop me in my tracks I finally get it get it sort of epiphany. It was more of a passing thought that said "ok I see now" and then another thought "why didn't I notice that earlier? What I have I missed by looking in the wrong places?" The actual realization didn't shake me to my core but the implications will change my life forever. I am a reader. I love reading and always have so it makes sense that God would speak to me through the writing of other and the writing of myself.

God moves me in many ways. Through music, colors, nature and the love of others, I see and feel God. But when I'm reading,and most of the times it doesn't even matter what it is I'm reading, I hear God speaking to my heart and soul. The answers I am looking for are suddenly understood.

The truth is, I am broken and hurting and lost. And I keep begging God for understanding and comfort. And I kept looking for Him to show His love for me by leaving flowers on my doorstep, as strange as that sounds. And then it hit me "you're a writer, naturally I will speak to you through writing." And then I had this strange, twilight-zoney experience of all the words from books and blogs that have brought me healing. And of all the loved ones that brought those words to my life. It first started with a recommendation from a friend to read a book called "Wild at Heart." I think this friends intentions in me reading it were really to help understand men, which it did but more over, it helped me understand the role of God as a father and man in my life. Wild at Heart brought healing to my soul and lead me to another book called "Captivating" that brought even more healing to my soul. And it continued to spiral. Friends keep recommending books that bring comfort and healing and bring me closer in my relationship to God.

I have something to offer this world. And I think that it has something to do with my words.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Vanity Tae

Sometimes I have a strong streak of vanity. This causes me to take my big hats out on a date. Then we, me and my hats, get our pictures taken. These are a few of those lovely pictures.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Throw Pillows

As a woman, I have found myself in the position of explaining the purpose of throw pillows many times. And each time it usually ends with "you just don't understand!!" or "I don't know how to explain it! I just like them ok!!" And honestly, I didn't get throw pillows either, why do I like them so much? And I ask myself the same questions men ask me about them: why put pillows on the bed that you aren't allowed to lay on? And why make more work for yourself when making your bed? Wouldn't it be nicer to just have no pillows on the bed except for laying on? They aren't even comfortable, you only use them to look nice, why?

Well I think I finally get it. After reading a book called "Captivating" which is a guide to understanding a women's soul by John and Stasi Eldredge, I learned that my feminine heart has a deep desire to be beautiful and create beauty. So there, I will now answer all the questions about why throw pillows with because they are pretty and no you are not allowed to put your greasy face on them because I want them to stay pretty. And the same goes for all decorating including seasonal decor. I put pumpkins on the table because it looks nice and all you have to do is enjoy the looking nice of it all.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

3 Cinnamon Rolls Later. . .

I have just realized that I am well on my way to getting over the end of my relationship. I have already gone through the first three stages.

Stage 1: I am so depressed I can't get out of bed, talk to anyone, or even eat. Emotional starving is always the stage that seems to be the most beneficial. Cause it leads you right into stage two.

Stage 2: Emotional shopping also known as "retail therapy" This stage can also be considered beneficial depending on how you look at it. One you get to have a closet full of new things that all look fantastic on you cause of the emotional starving. On the other hand, you spend way too much and now your bank account is starving as well. And chances are, stage three will leave all the new clothes useless.

Stage 3: Emotional eating. The stage that I am currently in. I will spare you the gross details of the things I have consumed this weekend but I will tell you that I have an ache in my stomach that may not go away for awhile. Why can't I go back to the emotional starving stage?