Monday, October 25, 2010

Stuff and Things Stephen Says

Enter stage right. Me.

BF: Why do ya'll have to be such a weak species and have periods and things? (laughs)

Me: How did you know?

BF: Well first, you're wearing sweat pants and it's noon. Also you're glaring at me and I don't think you realize it. And you just asked me, with you eyes, for 1700 MG's of Ibuprofen. By the way I don't think it is possible to have 1700 mg's, maybe 1800 but not 1700 so don't ask, not even with you eyes. And you have chocolate on your face.

Me: (stare)

BF: See now you're glaring on purpose. And by the way you shouldn't wear sweat pants around me, I'll probably shank you.

Me: You're going to make a weapon out of a toothbrush and a razor blade and stab me with it cause I'm wearing sweat pants at noon?

BF: What the hell are you talking about?!

Me: That's what a shank is, prisoners and junior high students make them.

BF: No it's when you pull someone's sweat pants down, exposing them.

Me: HA we just call that pantsing.

BF: You Utah folks are so original.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Don't Judge Me

Because Halloween is a week away, I would like to share with you all a scary story involving yours truly. Yesterday, my beau said to me "Baby when was the last time you showered?" I replied with a shrug of the shoulders and "I'm not going to shower until after Zumba tonight." And he gave a look that said, rather pleaded, with me to make sure that I do. Well I didn't. Today I took him some breakfast and he informed me that I "look like an old banana peel in the dirt" (he says this often and I usually respond with hearty chuckle, a good nipple twist, and a half hearted threat of decapitation) and today was no different. And then I went home, did some cleaning and decided today was the day to shower. What I saw in the shower was horrifying to say the least. *And I hesitate to tell you this next part because of how bad it was and knowing me and how I lack the ability to feel shame and embarrassment about anything my hesitation should be a clue as to how bad it was* I took the bar of soap to my armpit, like I normally do, and was stopped short when I saw what I thought were bugs in my armpits. I shook with fear and almost threw up, then I realized that it was black lint from a new black shirt that I wore yesterday. That is when I started laugh crying a little bit. It scared me and my heart was beating, but you should all be pleased to hear that I am now a fresh ripe banana peel and boyfriend will hug me again.

Which brings me to the conversation I just had with my beau. It went like this: Me: I skipped class today.

BF: Why?! You know I encourage to go to class. It makes me very upset when you skip class.
Me: No it doesn't. Besides you didn't even ask why i skipped.
BF: Why did you skip?
Me: So I could shower.
BF: Thank you for skipping. Are you saying it's safe to hug you now?
Me: Yes, you can take off your hazardous material suit.

And this brings me to yet another topic. Recently I saw on the cover of a magazine called Cosmopolitan, Cosmo for short, a topic titled Sh*t My Boyfriend Says. I then purchased the magazine and read the article. It is all about dumb things boyfriends say and it was dumb but I decided to start a series of things my boyfriend says. My boyfriend is actually very smart and let's face it, I am the one who says dumb things (like last night he said "Oh listen to the thunder" and I said "I don't think it's thunder, I think your neighbors are moving their garbage can." And ten minutes later it was raining.) Brilliant me. But it made me decide to write about other things my boyfriend says cause he is funny, sometimes. However,so as not to offend anyone I will call it "Stuff and Things My Boyfriend says" and I call it that because every time I ask him what he is doing he says "stuff and things". So my first installment of Stuff and Things My Boyfriend says will be a story of my boyfriend and the Kardashians.

The man loves the Show Keeping Up with the Kardashians, something that I mock him for every chance I get. He was watching it when I took him breakfast this morning. I walk in and he immediately tells me to shush cause Bruce Jenner, the dad, just walked in and in the words of boyfriend Bruce "just walks in, gives a quick burn to everyone and walks out". Bruce then does a quick burn on his wife Chris, boyfriend then begins laughing and jumps up and down screaming "Bruce Jenner is the man!" I just stared at the man I am in love with wondering "who is this man and why am I so drawn to him? Why do I find this moment of Kardashian obsession so endearing?!" He then says "Look, you would love this show if you gave it a chance. This is my Gilmore Girls." My reply? Stunned silence. He then goes on to rave about Scott somebody, one of the sisters boyfriends and how funny he is and how Khloe "manhandles" everyone. "The family dynamic is hilarious". My man loves him some Kardashian. Odd.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Great I am Screwed No Matter What I do!

So today I skipped my English class, which may be a good thing because I just found out from Yahoo news that only 44% on English majors are satisfied or very satisfied. And it gets worse. My other 2 majors that I would consider doing have the same percentages of satisfied ness. And Engineers are the most satisfied people in the whole Universe. And that is not good because I am not smart enough to be an Engineer. Here is to a life of only 44% satisfaction. Damn you Yahoo! News for ruining my life and my day. And also thank you Yahoo! News for helping to justify skipping Grammar today.

I couldn't get the link to work but if you are interested in knowing if you are satisfied with life copy and paste.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I Don't Know Where I've been

I only vaguely remember writing that last post, but I do remember feeling that way. I would say the whole going to school full time, working 2 part time jobs, and having a boyfriend and Zumba every night is really affecting my memory. Actually, I would say it is affecting my entire ability to function at a normal level. I can't remember the last time I showered, and while this is normally normal for me, I feel a bit concerned because even when I try to remember my last shower I can't seem to recall. Which is why I had to leave the man early tonight, so I could shower. And this brings on a whole new level of patheticness I feel, because I will see him in less than 12 hours ish and I was a blubbering, crying fool the entire drive home. Yes I am that person, that person that mopes around without my man. I am exhausted. Bring on the end of school. Please.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Grow Some Legs or Something

Recently I have found myself feeling very annoyed with people who are shorter than me. And not everyone that is shorter than I am, but those people that are super shorter than I am. Like people who are 5'2" or shorter. And in St. George there seems to be an abundance of them around. Yesterday afternoon, walking to class, I passed a girl who barley came up to my nips. As I passed her, I fought the intense urge to shove her into the wall. Her legs were short, her torso was short, she had no neck to speak of and even her little fingers were stubs. I was irate. And then I went to a work out class, where everyone barely came to my shoulder. When we all squatted, I towered over them all with a good foot of torso. I felt like screaming "AAH! Stop being so short! You're making me feel like I'm not squatting far enough!! But this is all I can do!! Grow some legs or something!!!" That is what I felt like screaming. I feel like a giant, so really people get taller or maybe I should find taller friends.