Is that a new toothbrush in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

The BF does many strange things. Like he buys us new toothbrushes EVERY TIME we go to the store. This means that some weeks, I get a new toothbrush every other day. No joke. He is so strange about toothbrushes. But not as strange as he is about other things. For example:

BF: "Babe, come take some garlic to kill your worms."

Me: "But I don't have worms."

BF: We all have worms. And besides it is cold and flu season, garlic is natures antibiotic. Come take some. I saw you eat those gummy life savers now you have to take garlic.

Me: *under my breath* damn it I was so sneaky about those life savers.

BF: No you weren't.

Me: How did you hear that?!

Damn he is good. And not that I had many friends before but some day the smell of garlic will ooze from my being and I will be left with even fewer friends. I think this is his plan to make me as antisocial as he is. Again, damn he's good.

Captain Save a Ho

This conversation recently took place between the BF and myself while driving to my house. There are several routes to my house one is through residential area and the other is through non residential. BF hates when I drive through the residential area. Why you may ask? Because and I quote "It's dangerous going through residential. I hate it when you go this way. What about domestic disputes? And we see one and i have to hop out and help because I have tennis shoes on and I'm Captain- Save- a- Ho. I can't deal with that, my cape is at the cleaners." So now I have to go the long way around when he is with me.

Disney Misled Me

You know that song from Cinderella? At the ball when she is dancing with the Prince and there is humming and singing. "So this is love, so this is love, this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of" That song? It's lovely isn't it? Beautiful, classic, every girls daydream of love.

Well it is completely wrong. No Cinderella, that is not love. As I have discovered, love is your man not getting mad at you when you said you were going to do something but fell asleep instead. Love is not strangling your man when he hides your stuff. Love is laughing at him when he jumps out of the bushes at 10 at night to scare you. Sometimes it is a waltz but the BF and I have been dating for close to 6 months now and the waltzing part is over. It is now to the point where I want to strangle and kiss him at the same time. Hmmm so this is love? This is the miracle that I've been dreaming of? Actually it is, it's nice to have a best friend BF. A BF that let's me hang upside down when I feel like it and just says "Babe, you have an unusually high amount of personality." I happily want to strangle him. I'm so lucky.

Little Annoyances

There are some little annoyances in my life right now. One is the fact that the fuel pump on my car went out yesterday afternoon and it will cost me 500 dollars to replace it. That is one big annoyance. And another is that I can't seem to wear deodorant ever.
Like yesterday we (BF and I) were at the store in the deodorant aisle. After looking and smelling almost every brand, BF said they all have that aluminum in it and I worry about that for you. To which I reply, yes I know but the all natural stuff doesn't really seem to work for me. And BF says, while walking away from the deodorant aisle, "It's ok babe, I'll just encourage you to shower more." So I stink because my BF is picky about deodorant. Annoying.

Confessionals

Me to BF: Stephen, I have a confession to make. I'm not really a dog person. Well I am not really an animal person. Like at all. I don't think they should be mistreated at all and those ASPCA commercials totally break my heart but when they touch me with their wet noses I get so grossed out and annoyed and then they have all that hair fur that is disgusting and they lick their butts.

BF: So the other day when I let the dog lay on us while we watched a movie you were not happy about that.

Me: Not at all. In fact I was like when I can I shower and wash this dog hair off.

BF: I have a confession to make

Me: Yes

BF: I have already picked up on your dislike of animals, and that is why I insist that the dog lay by us while we watch movies

Me: I hate you

BF: No you don't

A Man and his Shoelaces

I have had this theory for a long time. Since the time I had my first college boyfriend which was almost six years ago. As of late the theory has been in my head a lot lately as I am noticing shoelaces. My theory is this: You can tell what type of man a man is by how tight he ties his shoes.

Let me explain:

Type 1: This is the type that annoys me a lot and I have been noticing a lot more of these lately. It is the man who ties his shoelaces so tight that the front of his shoes start to turn up and look like elf shoes. You know what I mean? The two sides of the shoes are basically touching each other even at the toe and the tongue is nowhere to be seen. And he has so much extra lace that his shoes look untied because the bunny ears are so so long. What this says to me is that this man is uptight and no fun. He can't be any fun cause his feet are in pain from his shoes being on so tight. Also this man, like his shoelaces, is about to snap. The uptight shoelace guy is repressing something, usually his manhood, and is going to snap one day. I knew a guy you did this to his shoes, in fact I dated him off and on for a few years, and he was the guy that was walked all over and pretended to be happy all the time, and was in fact a bigger girl than I was and I knew he was repressing things, hence the shoelaces. And everyman I see with the tight shoelaces reminds me of him and it's not just the shoelaces. BF often comments on how "broken" men look around here, and I see the tight shoelaces and I see a broken man.

Type 2: The cockster. The one whose shoes are high end and sparkling clean but he acts like he doesn't care about them cause the laces are either gone or flopping everywhere. Let's face it, he is too cool for school or at least he thinks so, and he is arrogant, flaunting like a peacock. Yes I have dated a few of these as well and basically they were also bigger girls than I was, so concerned with every detail and trying to look unconcerned. At least they try to pretend they're still men though, and tough guys at that. But let's face it, one quick jab about their lack of tan, and they run crying (true story, I made a man cry with a jab about his white legs).

Type 3: The slip ons. I like a man who wears slip ons, (crocs don't count in this category, men don't wear crocs, boys wear crocs) slips on say to me, I don't care about shoelaces, I want ease and comfort and that is what all men want. They just want to sit in their chair with beer and pretzels and their nothing box wide open in front of them. The slip on man says I can't be bothered with trivial things like shoelaces I have bigger things to do, like be a man.

These are just a few of my theories on shoelaces, I have a few more types but the first one took me so long to write that I am out of time and must go work now. But I am glad to finally get some of it off my chest. I would like to say that I only have 8 more class periods before school is over!!!!

This is how we avoid an essay

So I have a research paper due in exactly 3 hours and 20 minutes. It is only 5 pages long but at the middle of page 4 I got the "I have no more bs to make up about the subject" syndrome, which leads me here to blog until, hopefully sometime within the next 3 hours leaving me sometime to at least run spell check, I am blessed by the BS Muses. I, of course turned to the all powerful FB to kill some time, only to find out that some people's kids are very unfortunate looking. So unfortunate looking that I almost feel tempted to unfriend such people just so I don't' have to look at pictures of their kids. This then lead me to a realization that 1: I am in actuality a real @#$&*, or 2: I need to eat something. So I did and it turns out that I still think some people's kids are not that cute but I am forced to leave them as my friends because I have already deleted so many friends, or offended enough to the point that they unfriend me, that Facebook is altogether boring for me now and it gets more boring everyday as my boredom leads me to deleting more friends and more friends. Maybe it is time to quit FB or maybe it is time to quit my little to no carb diet so I will be a nice person again? I am not sure but first that damned research paper!!

It's SOO Hard!! And I don't mean that dirty

The following is a phone call that took place between me and the BF just minutes ago.

BF: Wait?! You did what?!

Me: Look boyfriend! It's not my fault that parallel parking is so hard! And it's not my fault that I somehow got a wheel up on to the curb and that I am now somehow stuck! Just come help me out here!

BF: I won't

Me: You're useless to me

BF: And you are too.

Me: I know


But I did somehow get myself of the curb and all is well. I am now sitting in class watching a movie.

Why We Shouldn't Be allowed to call each other in the morning

This morning I call my boyfriend. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey boyfriend

BF: Hey, I'm watching Today Ricky Martin is on it. He's a good looking man. Why are the gays so good looking?

Me: I'm not sure. You're good looking and you're not gay.

BF: I'm not Ricky Martin good looking

Me: Sure you are.

BF: Do you think Ricky Martin would like me?

Me: I'm sure he would, all the gays like you.

BF: It's cause I'm sweet to them.

Me: Yeah you are

BF: Also I'm a little rough. I verbally rough house with them.

Me: They like that.

BF: Well babe I gotta go.

Me: Ok, bye.

He really is the strangest boyfriend I have ever had, but a good kind of strange, in my opinion.

Stuff and Things Stephen Says

Enter stage right. Me.

BF: Why do ya'll have to be such a weak species and have periods and things? (laughs)

Me: How did you know?

BF: Well first, you're wearing sweat pants and it's noon. Also you're glaring at me and I don't think you realize it. And you just asked me, with you eyes, for 1700 MG's of Ibuprofen. By the way I don't think it is possible to have 1700 mg's, maybe 1800 but not 1700 so don't ask, not even with you eyes. And you have chocolate on your face.

Me: (stare)

BF: See now you're glaring on purpose. And by the way you shouldn't wear sweat pants around me, I'll probably shank you.

Me: You're going to make a weapon out of a toothbrush and a razor blade and stab me with it cause I'm wearing sweat pants at noon?

BF: What the hell are you talking about?!

Me: That's what a shank is, prisoners and junior high students make them.

BF: No it's when you pull someone's sweat pants down, exposing them.

Me: HA we just call that pantsing.

BF: You Utah folks are so original.

Don't Judge Me

Because Halloween is a week away, I would like to share with you all a scary story involving yours truly. Yesterday, my beau said to me "Baby when was the last time you showered?" I replied with a shrug of the shoulders and "I'm not going to shower until after Zumba tonight." And he gave a look that said, rather pleaded, with me to make sure that I do. Well I didn't. Today I took him some breakfast and he informed me that I "look like an old banana peel in the dirt" (he says this often and I usually respond with hearty chuckle, a good nipple twist, and a half hearted threat of decapitation) and today was no different. And then I went home, did some cleaning and decided today was the day to shower. What I saw in the shower was horrifying to say the least. *And I hesitate to tell you this next part because of how bad it was and knowing me and how I lack the ability to feel shame and embarrassment about anything my hesitation should be a clue as to how bad it was* I took the bar of soap to my armpit, like I normally do, and was stopped short when I saw what I thought were bugs in my armpits. I shook with fear and almost threw up, then I realized that it was black lint from a new black shirt that I wore yesterday. That is when I started laugh crying a little bit. It scared me and my heart was beating, but you should all be pleased to hear that I am now a fresh ripe banana peel and boyfriend will hug me again.

Which brings me to the conversation I just had with my beau. It went like this: Me: I skipped class today.

BF: Why?! You know I encourage to go to class. It makes me very upset when you skip class.
Me: No it doesn't. Besides you didn't even ask why i skipped.
BF: Why did you skip?
Me: So I could shower.
BF: Thank you for skipping. Are you saying it's safe to hug you now?
Me: Yes, you can take off your hazardous material suit.

And this brings me to yet another topic. Recently I saw on the cover of a magazine called Cosmopolitan, Cosmo for short, a topic titled Sh*t My Boyfriend Says. I then purchased the magazine and read the article. It is all about dumb things boyfriends say and it was dumb but I decided to start a series of things my boyfriend says. My boyfriend is actually very smart and let's face it, I am the one who says dumb things (like last night he said "Oh listen to the thunder" and I said "I don't think it's thunder, I think your neighbors are moving their garbage can." And ten minutes later it was raining.) Brilliant me. But it made me decide to write about other things my boyfriend says cause he is funny, sometimes. However,so as not to offend anyone I will call it "Stuff and Things My Boyfriend says" and I call it that because every time I ask him what he is doing he says "stuff and things". So my first installment of Stuff and Things My Boyfriend says will be a story of my boyfriend and the Kardashians.

The man loves the Show Keeping Up with the Kardashians, something that I mock him for every chance I get. He was watching it when I took him breakfast this morning. I walk in and he immediately tells me to shush cause Bruce Jenner, the dad, just walked in and in the words of boyfriend Bruce "just walks in, gives a quick burn to everyone and walks out". Bruce then does a quick burn on his wife Chris, boyfriend then begins laughing and jumps up and down screaming "Bruce Jenner is the man!" I just stared at the man I am in love with wondering "who is this man and why am I so drawn to him? Why do I find this moment of Kardashian obsession so endearing?!" He then says "Look, you would love this show if you gave it a chance. This is my Gilmore Girls." My reply? Stunned silence. He then goes on to rave about Scott somebody, one of the sisters boyfriends and how funny he is and how Khloe "manhandles" everyone. "The family dynamic is hilarious". My man loves him some Kardashian. Odd.

Great I am Screwed No Matter What I do!

So today I skipped my English class, which may be a good thing because I just found out from Yahoo news that only 44% on English majors are satisfied or very satisfied. And it gets worse. My other 2 majors that I would consider doing have the same percentages of satisfied ness. And Engineers are the most satisfied people in the whole Universe. And that is not good because I am not smart enough to be an Engineer. Here is to a life of only 44% satisfaction. Damn you Yahoo! News for ruining my life and my day. And also thank you Yahoo! News for helping to justify skipping Grammar today.

http://finance.yahoo.com/college-education/article/111000/psych-majors-not-happy-with-options?mod=edu-continuing_education

I couldn't get the link to work but if you are interested in knowing if you are satisfied with life copy and paste.

I Don't Know Where I've been

I only vaguely remember writing that last post, but I do remember feeling that way. I would say the whole going to school full time, working 2 part time jobs, and having a boyfriend and Zumba every night is really affecting my memory. Actually, I would say it is affecting my entire ability to function at a normal level. I can't remember the last time I showered, and while this is normally normal for me, I feel a bit concerned because even when I try to remember my last shower I can't seem to recall. Which is why I had to leave the man early tonight, so I could shower. And this brings on a whole new level of patheticness I feel, because I will see him in less than 12 hours ish and I was a blubbering, crying fool the entire drive home. Yes I am that person, that person that mopes around without my man. I am exhausted. Bring on the end of school. Please.

Grow Some Legs or Something

Recently I have found myself feeling very annoyed with people who are shorter than me. And not everyone that is shorter than I am, but those people that are super shorter than I am. Like people who are 5'2" or shorter. And in St. George there seems to be an abundance of them around. Yesterday afternoon, walking to class, I passed a girl who barley came up to my nips. As I passed her, I fought the intense urge to shove her into the wall. Her legs were short, her torso was short, she had no neck to speak of and even her little fingers were stubs. I was irate. And then I went to a work out class, where everyone barely came to my shoulder. When we all squatted, I towered over them all with a good foot of torso. I felt like screaming "AAH! Stop being so short! You're making me feel like I'm not squatting far enough!! But this is all I can do!! Grow some legs or something!!!" That is what I felt like screaming. I feel like a giant, so really people get taller or maybe I should find taller friends.

LOVE

I love my life. Sunburned in the middle of September. I love St. George. That is all.

This Homework is Giving Me Shingles

I have a hard time with studying. I have been doing homework since noon and I am supposed to do it until BF gets off work at four. It is now 2:30 and I am over it. I blame the diet of chocolate covered raisins that I have been on since breakfast yesterday. I also blame the temperature in the library computer lab, which is normally at a comfortable "sitting by the fire, drinking ho cho" degrees. However, today it is at a chilling "I expect it to be freezing outside cause I can't feel my toes anymore, but I know it is September in St. George and will still be at least 100 outside so I feel all confused" degrees. Or maybe it is the fact that I am doing busy work that I know I won't be graded on so I am annoyed that I have to do it. Whatever it is, I can't focus anymore. I am half way finished though so that makes it OK to throw in the towel a couple hours early right? Right? Yes I think so. I'm going to go find that boy who plays his guitar and sings while walking to class and follow him around for a bit. I'd like to know his schedule.

Amusement Park

A few things that have been amusing to me in this the first week of class.

My folklore teacher is odd. He is a liberal with crazy greasy Shakespeare hair. I have has this teacher before and he is an odd bird. Anyway the first class period, I went into a nice daydream state. I came back to consciousness just in time to hear this from my crazy teacher: "I would never want to go to the movies with bears, every experience I have had with bears, they have tried to eat me." All I could to stop myself from laughing and asking "Really?! How many run ins have you had with bears?!"

Another amusing conversation with boyfriend was had, it went like this:

Me: "Boyfriend, do I stink? Cause last class, I sat next to this boy and he was leaning away from me like I smelled bad."

BF: "Not really that bad."

Me: "Then why was he leaning away from me?"

BF: "He's just not that into you."

Me: "What?"

BF: "He's not attracted to you. Not everyone is attracted to you."

Me: "What? I highly doubt that."

BF: "Yeah I used to think everyone was attracted to me too, but it's not true."

Me: "Weird"

And then my old man biology teacher said this "I hate those texting machines."
Hahaha I thought it was so so funny.

First Day of School

It is the first day of school and currently I am sitting in the hall waiting for my first class to start. Here is to hoping that my posts will not be filled with complaints about teachers, classes, or parking spots. Happy School Year!!

Truly the Best BF Ever!!

I don't want to brag or nothing but I seriously have the best boyfriend ever. I have evidence.

Enter exhibit 1: Conversation between boyfriend and I.

Me: Boyfriend, everyone calls you my sugar daddy. You sort of are.
BF: I know but I like it that way. I like buying you things.

Enter Exhibit 2: Another conversation between the two of us.

BF: What do people wear to Mormon weddings?
Me: If you're single, a look of desperation. If you're already married, a look of pity.
BF: I'm serious. What should I wear?
Me: I don't care.
BF: Ok you choose something for me to wear. And get a card for me to put money in.
Me: Ok. Should I sign it from both of us?
BF: Duh.
Me: You are every womans dream

Enter Exhibit 3:

BF: It's your last week of summer.
Me: Don't remind me.
BF: We should do something. Like one last hoorah.
Me: Ok

Later that day.

BF: (through txt message) What do you know about this little Inn in Cedar City?
Me: Nothing, I have never spent much time in Cedar. Why?
BF: Um no reason

What do you want to bet that BF is taking me to a B & B in Cedar this weekend?

Enter Exhibit 4:

For my birthday, he got me 2 pairs of shoes, a hat, a massage, and 100 hundred dollars. Not to mention the fact that he also took me on a little get away that weekend as well.

And this comment made by BF: "I'll do whatever. You set it up and just tell me where to pay."

I have a million other Exhibits to enter but I think you get the idea. Lesson learned: Pick men up at the chiropractors office, they turn out to be the world's best boyfriends.

So Far. . .

It is birthday week! So far for this birthday week, I have had the pleasure of detoxing through a rigorous routine of sitting on the couch in my house where the air conditioner is broken. I was also treated to a massage by a billion little ants crawling on my body. Where did the ants come from? Well from the melted Popsicles I found under the couch. Children are such a joy to have around. And then I found a half eaten banana under my bed, also left their by a child. I'm assuming anyway cause I don't know where it came from, I don't even like banana's. But this weekend is going to be even better. Swimming pools, food, ice cream cake, and massages. I can't wait. Birthday week rocks!!

Another Reason I like BF

Me: Boyfriend, what should we do tomorrow?
BF: I don't know darlin, (I love when he calls me that) it's your birthday month, you decide.
Me: Well birthday month doesn't really start until Sunday
BF: Who gives a s@#!, we'll start a few days early, f@#$ it. It's your birthday month starting tomorrow.
Me: I think I love you
BF: I know, baby

He is probably the best boyfriend and please forgive his language, he's from the south.

This Man is Mine and He's Awesome

So I now have a boyfriend. His name is Stephen J. Cox. But you know me and you know that from here on out he will be called boyfriend or BF. Why do I like having this man as my boyfriend? I will tell you why, it is because of this conversation:

Me : I love Snoop Dogg
BF: You and he have a lot in common. You both like to vacuum. You are both black, you like singing with Katy Perry. And you are both amazing rappers. And you're both super chill and cool. I think you were friends in another life.
Me: You complete me.
BF: I know, baby.

I am not making this up either. This conversation took place on the way home from Mesquite where he let me gamble with his money and I got to keep my winnings, all 60 bucks of winnings.

Spider Webs may cause flash backs

This morning, as I was taking out the trash, I noticed a black widow spider web. Staring at the weeds and little flowers and bits of debris that had gotten caught in this web, I had one of those moments that send you spiraling into the past to a distant memory from what seems like another life. You know like on tv when someone is trying to remember who they are cause their memory was stolen by the CIA or something and one little thing tips them off, like a balloon floating in the sky and suddenly they remember everything. It was sort of like that, but I remember who I am and my life, or do I? Maybe I'm being tricked and I really used to be a CIA agent. Anyway my point is, this spider web reminded me of a time a while back, how far back I can't remember but it was a while ago, and I was outside with the nanny boys. I pointed out to them a black widow web and said "you can tell it's a black widow web cause there is no pattern and it's a bit chaotic" and Alex asked why they were called black widows. I answered with "well they are black and they eat their men." And Trevor pipes in with this funny and fairly true statement "That's why their webs are so crazy, cause women go crazy when there are no men around. And well if she eats her man, she is twice as crazy." Hahaha at the time, I thought hmm that's funny and probably laughed about it a little and then thought nothing of it. And then being reminded of that today, I thought about this comic book/ graphic novel series thing I had read about all the men dying all at once and in that book, the women really did go a bit crazy. So there you have it, the wisdom of a child, women go crazy without men around.

This Trip Needed More Nacho Cheese

Just some tidbits from my recent excursion across the U. S.. First of all, we drove. A lot. And then there was a car accident, this was not so fun. I get a new car though so that's cool. And then we drove some more. Then we finally made it to my aunt's house in Tennessee. Then we saw some cool things, like history things. And then we camped and I saw huge fireflies. And then we drove some more, all the way to Nauvoo. And that is where I filled my car's engine with water. But then we finally made it home, and that was awesome.

Also we had two way radios in our cars and sometimes we would pick up some conversations from other radios. Our favorite was: Trucker 1 "Hey Robbie"
Trucker 2 "Yeah?" Trucker 1 "You know how I sweat a lager?" Trucker 2 "Yeah, I know that." Trucker 1 "I'm gonna bottle that up and sell it." Trucker 2 "I think that's a good idea." Trucker 1 "Yeah I'm gonna call it ksjklfjsdkgjsk" And that is where we lost it. I wish I knew what he is going to call his sweat liquor.

I have some pictures to show you but I don't feel like loading them now, but some day.

VOTE Tomorrow!!!!

Oh hey friends, long time. I know you all are just about to die if you don't hear about my trip soon and I will get to that, eventually. But first we have more important matters at hand. Tomorrow is the Primary elections for the Senate seat that used to be held by Bob Bennett, and for all my friends who rely on me to figure out who we should all vote for (and you know who you are and really I am fine with it cause I like this stuff and like telling people what they should do) I am here to tell you who you should vote for. That man would be Tim Bridgewater. I openly admit to having a slight celebrity/ politician sort of weird crush on him, and a lot of that has to do with his raspy husky voice and the way he looks right into your eyes when he's talking to you. But I also truly believe he is the man for the job right now. He has real life experience, he is incredibly sincere, and he knows what he is talking about. (Plus his wife is completely adorable and not to say that the other guys wife isn't, I just haven't met the other guy's wife so I can't say if she's adorable or not). So remember, go VOTE tomorrow and vote for Tim cause I said so.

So Hungry

It's Saturday morning, I'm tired, I don't feel well, and I am incredibly hungry. Laying here, I came up with the brilliant idea of Googling "What to eat for breakfast". I don't know what I was expecting but I was hoping for a long list of things to eat for breakfast. Instead I got a long list of websites telling me how important it is to eat breakfast. I now realize that what I want from Google is for them to send me a handsome man with french toast and eggs to my bedroom. Not asking for the moon.

MY Brain is a Mushy Grape Popsicle

Ok, it is official. I have lost my brain. I suffer from what I like to call "Toomuchsunitis" pronounced (too much sun it is). Meaning too much sun is the problem. In the last 3 hours I have, hit my head on a toilet, stuck my hand into a moving ceiling fan, tripped down the stairs, tripped going up the stairs, and spilled hot tea on me while trying to drink it in bed. Why on Earth would I try to drink tea while laying down?!?! There are no other explanations for it. I must be that I spend too much time in the sun. (Ha when I first wrote that, I accidentally put sin. I spend too much time in the sin, which may also be part of the problem). Summer brain. I have turned my brain into a summer brain. I am actually quite pleased with this. Why? Because usually it takes me clear till June to get summer brain. And it's only the middle of May!! Hooray for summer.

I Can't Live Without You!!!

There are a few things that I can't live without. They are as follows:
Sugar. I have tried to cut back the amount of sugar I intake and it just hate it. I love the amount of sugar I can stand and it tastes so delicious. Why should I not eat so much of it? It doesn't even make sense.
Also I can not live without sunshine. I am that person that goes crazy during a week of rain. I cry. I get mad. I throw things. And then the sun is back and I giggle for a week straight.
Lotion. I am OCD about putting lotion on. I have to have it in the morning, at night, after showers, during swimming, and after every time I wash my hands. I MUST have it or my skin hurts and feels like it is going to die.
And flirting. If I don't bat my eyes at some cute boy at least once a day, I just feel like I could fall to pieces. It's fun and funny and makes me giggle inside. Whenever I feel like I haven't had my flirt fix for a while, I go to the mall. Why? Well because Zumiez has these 2 boys that work there and they always flirt with me. They flirt with everyone I know and that's fine. I just like, no love, that I can go there anytime to get my flirt on. And I don't even have to look cute cause it's Zumiez. So I can walk in there with pj's on and uncombed hair and all I have to do it use words like "dude" and "gnarly". I love to flirt.

Oh Alex

Alex is sometimes a very sweet boy and he has funny ways. This morning he says "I want a pb and j for breakfast" I say "ok go ahead and make one" Alex says "ok I will."
A few minutes later Alex says "Where's the pb and where's the j." "Well the j is usually in the fridge and the pb is in the pantry." "Oh ok, I get it."
After a few minutes he says "I still can't find the pb!!" "It's on the third shelf" "Oooh I didn't know that." "Sorry I thought you would see it." And then he says "No no Shauntae, it's ok. It's ok. I have it now, everything will be alright and I get to hae pb and j for breakfast." Six year olds are funny.

Either Way

Some one told me that the last story I told is not true. That it's sort of like an urban legend. I am choosing to believe that it is true. It's a hilarious story. And either way, true or not, it made me laugh till I almost peed.

A Troll?? Where? What?

Tonight I went to see a comedian, a comedian called Brian Regan. He was funny, very funny. My body hurts from laughing so much kind of funny. But something even more funny than that is this story I am about to tell you. Now it is a story that comes from a friend of a friend. This friend of a friend of a friend of a friend has an autistic son. This son, from what I understand, is about 16 years old. The son calls his mother at work "Mom I caught a troll. It's in my closet." Mom says "Oh ok that's great. I'm really busy, I'll call you later" Mom hangs up and thinks nothing of it. Son calls mom back a few minutes later "Mom I caught a troll. It's in my closet. I'm feeding it skittles" Mom hangs up again and starts to wonder. Son calls again and Mom decides to go home. She walks into Son's room and there is a chair propped against the closet door, with a bag of skittles on the floor. And some thing is banging on the inside of the door. The mom moves the chair and opens the door to find A MIDGET!!! The son had locked a Jehovah Witness midget missionary in the closet. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I need to meet this boy.

Oh Hello

Hello, I feel like it's been a long time since we've talked. I'm doing great, thank you. And yourself? Oh great. Well my crush sort of gave me a little broken heart so that sucks but I have been productive in a real major way. I mowed the lawn, mopped the floors, did the laundry, read a book, and a made an appointment to have my hair trimmed. I am pretty excited about that last part cause this mullet is OUT OF CONTROL. Let's see what else. I enjoyed the State GOP convention, and watched Bob
Bennett be released with a vote of thanks. Well that part is not true, many of the delegates started singing "nah nah nah nah hey hey hey goodbye" you know. Also I am getting excited for Tennessee and I started this supplement thing that is really clearing me out. Even through my face, I have zits that belong in an art gallery. I'm going to see Brian Regan tonight, this I feel happy about cause I love to laugh. I love to laugh, loud and strong and clear. Also I still love Daisy by Marc Jacobs. Also a large shout out to my BFF Steph! She done got herself engaged and has a wonderfully large pretty ring to prove it. Hooray it's summer!!! Also I broke up with pants. It's that time of year when as soon as I get home, my pants come off. It's fantastic. SO I guess you could say that I break up with pants everyday when I get home. Either way you get the idea that me and pants aren't getting along, not that we ever do. That is all.

What's That Smell?!

Today I walked around Christensen's Department store and tried on their perfume. Well just one. One called Daisy by Marc Jacobs. I smell wonderful. I wish I owned a bottle but it was super expensive and really anything that cost more than 2 dollars is out of my budget. I just can't justify spending almost 60 bucks on a bottle of perfume that I will love and wear everyday and make anyone I walk past very happy. It's just too much right?? Maybe not. I think my get a wig fund that turned into a buy prints at the library fund and then into an over priced vending machine snack fund is now going to be a get Shauntae Daisy by Marc Jacobs perfume fund. This may actually be attainable. Sweet. I wish you guys could smell me right now.

Blue Jello Princess

As most of you don't know, I am a lunch lady at the nanny children's school. I go for two hours every day to sweep floors and wipe down tables. Today I was doing my duties when a small kindergärtner approached me. She motioned for me to stoop down to her level, and I did. Then with she cupped my face with her sticky blue Jello hands, looked me straight in the eyes and said "It's so nice to have a pretty lunch lady." I giggled and said "Thank you." and went about my duties. It was so adorable. What a wonderful less than part time job I have.

I Should Have Known

My version of "If you give a pig a pancake. . .", it's just a little different.

I should have known that if I put an open bag of chocolate chips in my purse, I would forget about them.

I should have known if I forget about them, they will spill.

I should have known that if I find a bag of spilled chocolate chips in my purse, I'm gonna have to clean them up.

I should have known that once I cleaned them up, I was gonna want to bake something with them.

I should have known that I was gonna want to skip class to bake them into something, something like brownies.

I should have known that once I bake them into brownies,I was going to eat a lot of those brownies.

I should have known that I would get a stomach ache from the brownies I baked with the chocolate chips in my purse that spilled from the open bag.


Oh well, they tasted delicious!

Alexander the Awesomely Funny 6 yr old

Just a few Alex stories for you all to enjoy. He seriously is the funniest 6 year old I have ever met.
Last week, I think it was Thursday or something, he came out of the bathroom. He looked at me and said with an exaggerated sigh of tired relief "Well I feel like I just pooped out seashells"
Hahahahaha I bust up just reliving this in my mind. What am I even supposed to say to that? And then he just walked away. Hahahaha
This weekend, we moved into the new house and the fridge was empty. He looked inside the fridge, closed it, and said "Ugh it's like a food ghost town in here!"
I laughed, a lot, and said there is food in the pantry.
He replied by looking in the pantry and with a sigh of relief said "Oh good, I was worried about us having dinner or not" and walked away.
It was like 10 in the morning and he was worried about dinner.

Seriously the strangest child I know but note that none of these are penis stories, I think he may be growing out of his penis obsession. Knock on wood. Hahahaha pun intended!

Let's Be Honest Here

Facebook. Sweet sweet FB. I love facebook. I really love facebook. There are times, however, when I don't love my friends on facebook. So to avoid unnecessary communicating with said friends, I leave my chat status as "offline". We have all done this. We a do this, especially when you are trying to avoid a certain someone. You know what I mean. Well what about when you are the person being avoided? Here is the hypothetical situation. You get online, everyday. You never start chats with people, they are mostly initiated by the other party. And then one day you get online to find that the other party is online and then 2 seconds later they are offline. This happens for about two days consecutively. You start to feel as though this other person is avoiding you and you think "What the hell?!! I'm usually avoiding you! You can't avoid me! And what did I do anyway?" And this continues to continue for a few more days till it becomes funny. It turns into a sort of game like let's- see- how -many -chats -you --can -miss- out- on -with -other- people -just -cause -I'm -online -and -you're- trying -to -avoid- me. This can be a fun game for a while but soon, the need to protect yourself from being THAT person who is literally on FB all day arises and you simply can't play anymore. This is when you get really annoyed and you're like "OMG you are so stupid! Let's look at the facts shall we?! 9 out of the 10 conversations are started by YOU! What makes you think that I'm gonna start any now?! Don't be an idiot!" Have you ever been there? I have and I am right now and I think it is sooooo funny! But also I think I may have a problem.

Love (or something like it) Is in the Air

It may be the Frank Sinatra music. Or maybe it's the warm weather. It could be that it's tax day and I'm getting a large return. It might have something to with the fact that it's Thursday and I never get dressed until 2 on Thursdays. Or maybe it's the fact that I have eaten nothing but chocolate today. Or it could be a combination of all these things that has me being a hopeless romantic today. The pollen or the sunshine has caused me to propose marriage to 3 different people today. Not all males either! I am day dreaming about Paris in the springtime and flowers and walking past bubbling creeks holding the hand of some handsome gentleman obviously wearing the prettiest dress ever. And my marriage proposals, all 3 of them, being rejected has put me in this nobody loves me but I love everyone kind of funk mood. Whatever it is, I can't tell if I like it or not. I feel weird. I should probably eat something.

Ok More Me Letters

Dear Me,
I know you hate pants but should you really console yourself with ice cream cones? Yes I should here is my logic: I eat lots of ice cream. I am lactose intolerant. In a few hours I won't even be able to wear pants because of the severe bloating and intestinal cramping. Hahahahahha I am brilliant!

Dear Idea that I should always wear tank tops,
You realize that most of the tank tops you have are colorful "wife beaters" right? And when you wear these shirts, you turn into that epitome of the female "tool". Lifting your backpack, flexing when you point to things like your car, checking your arms out as you walk, giving other people wearing wife beaters the head nod of unspoken friendship, telling everyone you see too "make me a sandwich!". You are a female tool, change your shirt, but before you do, make me a sandwich.

Huh I had more letters but I can't remember them suddenly. Oh well, I need a sandwich.

Me Letters: Letters to Me

I love writing letters. You all know this. Well I have a few letters I need to write to myself and my ideas.

Dear Me and the Idea I had to be a vegetarian till my birthday,

What were you thinking? Remember that time in high school when we tried to be a vegetarian? Yeah it didn't work then either. So far, since the last 3 days of us trying to be a vegetarian, you have accidentally eaten meat 2 times a day, without even thinking about it.

Just be quiet and eat a burger already.



I have more to write but I suddenly decided I want a nap, so I'm gonna get back with you later.

How Long has THAT been There?!

I usually hate cleaning out the fridge. And when I say usually, I mean I still do but this time some very funny things happened. The children and I invented a new game. It's called "What did this terd looking thing used to be?" It is a very fun game. Round 1: Me: Well what do you think? Trevor: A monsters big toe! Alex: Dinosaur poop!! Kenna: Ugh what is that smell?!! Me: The correct answer is an avocado.
Round 2: Me: Any takers? Alex: Umm a penis!! Me: Well of course you would say that. Trevor: A french fry that has been dipped in death. Twice! Kenna: I'm gonna go lay down. Me: The correct answer . . . a cucumber. Alex: Oh so I was the closest. Me: Hahahahahhahaha why do you get this stuff?!
Round 3: Me: Ewww. Trevor: Um is cauliflower supposed to smell like that? Me: I don't think so. Alex: Who left the bathroom door open again?!?! Trevor: Ha no one it's the cauliflower!! And then they all ran around and I was left dry heaving over the sink.
What a fun game.

Death Comes in a Pretty Shade of Red

This post may fall into the TMI category for some, so proceed with caution. Lately my body has been suffering from some ailments. This certain ailment is usually helped with the application of cranberry juice to one's diet. Not the sugary fruit cocktail cranberry juice, just straight cranberry juice. I finally remembered to get some cranberry juice. I hate cranberry juice. Why? Look at it. It's such a pretty color, it's that perfect color of dark red that you wish you could pull off wearing on your lips. It's looks like Paris in the spring time. It reminds you of that episode of I love Lucy when she is stomping on the grapes and it's so funny. The color of cranberry juice holds all the romantic daydreams you've ever had, it even smells so sweet and delicious. You pour yourself a glass, expecting it to be a sweet kiss of summer. A cool refreshing treat. It slips right on to your tongue and your eyes bulge out of your head. Your mouth twists and turns into a bitter revolt. It's sour bitterness burns your throat going down. And you're left in utter shock and disappointment. You feel slightly put out, as if the cranberry juice broke a promise and dashed all of your childhood dreams. You recover and think what just happened. You step away to gather yourself, come back a few minutes later, and are tricked again by that delicious beautiful color of red. You take another swig. And again you're left utterly disappointed. Cranberry juice is the ultimate "punker". It punks you time and time again and you fall for it every time.
Maybe that's just me though cause I REALLY hate sour. Which is why I have been having a staring contest with the glass of cranberry juice in front of me for like an hour. Anyway I hate my bladder and UTI's and cranberry juice.

Tickle Me I don't know Who I am

This morning I finally turned in my 12 page long research paper. In retrospect, it doesn't seem like such a monumental task but my teacher has a gift for taking one thing and dragging it out for weeks and weeks. We have been working on this paper in class since three weeks after the semester began. Now that it is turned in, I sort of feel like this: Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? What was my life before this paper? You know the feeling. I had a list of things I wanted to do when I got finished with this paper. What was it? There were books I wanted to read, movies to see, people to make fun of, I can't remember. What are my goals in life? I am in slight panic mode. If I get this bad of amnesia after a 12 page paper how am I supposed to be able to write books? I may need to reconsider my career path. On a different note, there are a few things that have tickled me pink lately. They include things that I can't remember now cause my brain has died.
Oh man I seriously can't remember. I had a list going in my head and it's all gone now. Crapsicle. Anyway I feel like celebrating I think I'll go for a jog with my kite.

Oh that's one thing Night Kite Flying. Mr Dillinger introduced me to it and it was fun even though there was no wind to actually fly the kite. It's a great concept.

This line keeps running through my head. It's from Princess and the Frog. "Travis when a woman says later she really means not ever" and this "I'm sure there are plenty of young phillies round here waitin for you to waltz them into a stupor" and finally "give my those napkins I swear I'm sweatin like a sinner in church!" I love that movie.

Also clash of the titans was awesome.

And I will try to think of the rest.

Weekend Pigs in a Blanket

This weekend I went to Richfield for my brother Justin's homecoming. I enjoyed my trip and seeing family but my favorite part was coming back to St. George where it is warm.
I was almost home when just outside of Cedar City near a little town called New Harmony, I saw a white car pulled to the side of the road. I thought huh what is that man doing I wonder if he needs help. I get a little closer and think What color are his pants? They look like skin. And then I was close enough to see that this man was not wearing any pants. I saw his butt cheeks. And I laughed and laughed. Why is a man naked on the side of the road? I don't know but I think it's funny when I get to see it!!!! It just makes me think to myself "Why am I so lucky? Why did I leave Richfield at just the right time to see this naked guy on the side of the road? Why did seeing a naked guy on the side of the road make me wish I was driving home naked?" What a joy my life is.

Wha Wha WEDNESDAY?!

It's Wednesday already?! Where did my week go? It feels like it's been a month since Monday. Just so you know:
Pandora and I have made up. I am currently listening to my NSYNC station and it is reminding me of what 7th grade? I love it but I have this to say,

Pandora I appreciate you not wanting to play to an empty room but you can't just send me to silence after being serenaded by Justin Timberlake (here on out to be known as JT)!! It's hard on my senses. First I'm listening to oh Shauntae I love you come to my house and I'll sing you to sleep and I don't even like Jessica Biel to SILENCE. It makes me feel cold. But yes I am still listening, thank you for asking.

Also the girl sitting next to me has no idea what she got herself into when she sat next to me dancing, humming, and the applying of lotion and or hand sanitizer every ten minutes. Those are only the habits I keep track of. Oh hold on lotion break.



Seriously I think my skin is falling off. It's very tight and uncomfortable.(That's what she said) There was something else. Oh yeah. This morning I woke up with the desire to put as my FB status this: I need someone to take me on a hot air balloon ride and also I need to practice my ninja skills so when our hot air balloon pilot turns on us and tries to throw us overboard, I can save us.
This was all based on my dreams. Anyway after a full day in front of the computer, I am now caught up on my homework minus a quiz and I think I may be normal someday soon.
And one more thing I need a duck pond in my back yard so I don't feel guilty about not eating the crusts from my sandwich.

Sleep Signs

I don't really know why I sometimes think it's a great idea to stay up late and get up early but sometimes that is exactly what I do. And did, all last week, there wasn't a night that I got to bed before midnight. It's almost like I am 18 again, but even when I was 18 I went to bed at a decent hour. Last night I didn't go to bed until 1 in the morning and was up at 7. This is bad for me. I need sleep, I am a solid 9 hours of sleep a night kind of girl. When I need more sleep, things get weird. A few signs I need more sleep:

I do the ironing I have been avoiding for months because I can't focus on writing a paper.

I sit down to update my blog and ended up staring at a gold fish for 20 minutes.

I look for something to eat and say "Ugh there is nothing to eat" and then 10 minutes later I'm digging through my purse looking for spilled milk duds, but maybe that has nothing to do with rest and everything to do with my addiction to sugar.

I put my contacts in and then put my glass on and it took at least 2 minutes to figure out why everything was incredibly blurry.

I realize I am still hungry, starving actually, so I take chicken out of the freezer to eat later. Why would I do that? It's frozen and I am hungry now. So then I go search for more spilled milk duds.

I get home from school and tried to open the door and it was locked, so then I started to cry. Why? Because my arms are tired and I don't want to lift my arms to unlock it.

And then I put in the Princes and the Frog. During which I see a preview for the new Toy Story movie and I start to cry again because Andy is all grown up and going to college.

This is when I realize college is lame and it is the reason I am so tired. Well it's not really but I am blaming it anyway and I begin to cry even more.

Oh I also want to tell you guys that I have made a new oath to not swear so much and so far it's hard. Every time one slips out I say "Oh damn it!" and then that one slipped out so then it's "Oh damn it! I did it again!" and "again" Argh!! But really it's not that bad. I think, I just don't even know anymore, I'm just so tired.


I need more milk duds.

Spring Break, We're So Over

So this spring break I was sort of bitter. It was the first spring break in 5 years that I haven't gone to some sort of tropical paradise and this made me sort of very annoyed and then add to it that I had to work and then drive across the country. In an attempt to feel better about life, I watched episode after episode of Fresh Prince. Here is where I learned that I love pick up lines and I wish that more men would use them, they would almost always work on me. My favorite pick up line is "Girl let's get barbecue and get bizzy!" This particular pick up line, if used on me, would guarantee at least 3 dates from me. Also this spring break, I picked up my brother from the airport and it is awesome to have him home. And then I had to come home to do school and I will say that spring fever has its grip tightly around my attention. I desperately want to live outside by the river and have long disgusting hair and a fantastic tan and never wear shoes. This is me saying dear universe please let me feel no sense of responsibility so that I may quit school and work and just live in my car by the river.

Ketchup and Rub her Buns

I would like to fill you guys in on my spring break but I need to catch up my homework first. I would like to say to whomever thought it would be a great idea for women to feel like their insides are being torn out once a month, I wish you would die. I really just hope my pain meds kick in soon or I may kick someones face in soon. Anyway until I am an unburied from this pile of homework, enjoy your mediocre weather while I sweat away in the St. George sun.

I ALMOST DIED!

I have a creepy story. At 11:30 last night I realized there were some things I need for today. So I put an over sized sweater on, hoping no one would notice I wasn't wearing a bra (then I remembered where I was going and didn't actually care) and made the trek to Walmart. Which isn't actually a trek cause it is just down the road. I had that uneasy feeling that you sometimes get and wisely parked under a light in the parking lot. I step out of my car and see another car pull up and that uneasy feeling level went from 4 to 11100. The windows were darkened to the point of not being able to see into it, even under a light and it was a very nice car. And there are nice cars in St. George but they are all owned by old people and as we all know, old people go to bed at 4 so for this nice, dark, creepy car to be at Walmart it was for sure out of place. I'm walking toward the entrance keeping the corner of my eye on this car, 4 mean creepy drug lords looking like mexicans step out. And my uncomfortable level jumped to one trillion and seven. My first thought when I saw these guys was "Great they are going to rob Walmart, take me hostage and do some kind of drive by." Well I stare them down a bit, kind of a "hey I won't go down without a fight so don't try anything" look. I enter the store to get what I need and I notice one of the guys seems to be around every corner, I think he was following me. Pretty sure he was so I walked around Walmart kind of passing time til they leave or I figure something out cause I sure as hell was not going to walk into a dark parking lot with nothing but a bunch of banana's and a Swiss army knife. After about half an hour I didn't notice this guy following me anymore and I decide it's probably ok to go but I still wasn't walking out to my car alone, so I spend a little more time walking around looking for a man to walk me to my car. There are about a million women and old men around and I'm like "REALLY WALMART THIS IS WHO YOU ARE GONNA HIRE TO WORK AT NIGHT?!!?" Finally I notice some frat boys checking out so I hurry to check out and ask one of them to walk me to my car. So it was fine in the end and obviously there are some points where I am exaggerating the story a bit but really it was a frightening situation. And I was so scared I had a hard time sleeping last night which has made today a very middle of the week kind of Wednesday. Today people were honking at me and I did the jerk awake thing and I found myself in the drive through at Del Taco. Apparently I had ordered a chicken soft taco and some cheesecake bites. But I was like 'Who honks in the Del Taco drive through?!" Are you all really that anxious to get your burrito's that are gonna give you explosive diarrhea?!?

Jimmy Fallon Style

Jimmy Fallon is a funny late night tv host and sometimes he writes thank you notes. I have a few thank you notes of my own though they will not be nearly as funny as Jimmy's.

To Facebook:
Thank you for letting me know that some of my high school schoolmates really did grow up to be the train wrecks I thought they would grow up to be.

To Vienna from the Bachelor:
I have decided to never ever travel to Vienna because of you. Thank you for ruining my life. I hate you.

To Sarah Noel:
Thank you for letting me watch the Bachelor at your house and also thank you for letting me hang out and watch tv for an hour and a half cause I was anxious and showed up that much early.

To the new Bachelorette:
Thank you for not being Tenley. My sister wife Steph and I agree that she deserves real love and not tv reality love.

To my mind:
Thank you for all the mean and funny thoughts that keep me entertained.

To my self control:
You fail me a lot of the time especially when it comes to treats and sweets, but thank you for not letting me say the majority of the mean and entertaining thoughts that would probably not entertain the people I think them about.

And to the Universe:
Thank you for always sending me something great right when I am about to say FML.

I Like to ride my Bicycle

I would like to tell you all about my bike ride to church. I have found a route that suits me well. It is still 7 miles long and the majority of it goes along the river. This I love, without this, things would smell awful, like the freeway, the entire length of my weekly ride. However because of this there are many small creatures scurrying all over the place and no matter how I try, I always end up running someone over. Sorry lizard, and other lizard, and baby frog. This trail I take is also a favorite for old people on Sunday mornings and what bothers me about this is the fact that they ride faster than I do and yell things like "Coming up on your left" out of nowhere and I scream in fear and panic trying to remember which side is my left. It is decided that I will get those awful biker shorts with pads in the bum to wear under my skirt. Speaking of skirts, I was trying to decide if people on the bike trail are so friendly just cause they are, or if they can see up my skirt while I am riding? I don't care much as long as they remain friendly.

My Life: The Musical

No one takes me seriously and I can't say I blame them. Especially when I do things like this:
It's a cloudy and cold February morning. We find the subject of our story sitting at a computer downstairs in the Dixie State College library. This happens to be her favorite place on campus, it's warm, secluded atmosphere and the quiet hum from the computers make her feel safe and comfortable. She has her earphones plugged in her ears and is listening to her favorite Panodra radio station that is playing Michael Buble'. She finishes her work and is preparing to go to class. She logs off her computer, takes out the earphones and looks up. This is when she notices on lookers that are grinning and giggling. Her first thought is "oh my butt crack must be hanging out again." Then another, more horrifying thought crosses her mind. "I was singing out loud, wasn't I?" she asked the ten or more giggling on lookers. They nod and some even burst into full out laughing. She bursts into giggles herself and walks to class with this thought lingering in her head "I swear this stuff only happens in movies or on bad tv sitcoms."

Am I the girl in this story? The one that was singing out loud in the library? Yes. Yes that was me. If I had any shame at all this probably would have embarrassed me. But I hold on to the hope that I at least sounded sort of good.

Holy Smokes

My brother gets home in 3 weeks!! I can not believe how fast time flies and I am very excited to have him back home. Also I am watching Where the Red Fern grows and crying like a baby. This movie makes me miss my childhood and my puppy.

I Choose Honey

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. This is true. Last time we learned that when I get mad and argue with the teachers of CIS 1200 I get dirty looks and still have to fix the assignment. Today I decided to take a different approach. I went up to the counter and said "Excuse me do you have a minute?" And of course they did. "I just wanted to ask you about these assignments. As you can see I did this here and just forgot to do it there. Also here. And these pages were just out of order. So I obviously know how to do it. I was wondering if I could just move on and not reprint these?" "Oh yes of course. we just want to make sure you know how to do these things." And I did not have to redo any of the assignments. To clear up questions for my cousin Stacee, yes it is required here at DSC to take this class to earn your associates or I would drop it and never look back.

Not Again

The other night, I did my computer literacy stuff and no problem. I didn't even cry, I tried to have a good attitude about it and it was fine. Well I get to the computer center today and what do I see in my folder? A stack of assignments that I have to redo. Why you ask? Oh because it was missing a bullet here, it was the wrong font there, I left out a colon over there. I swear I was going to burst on the spot. And I did, I turned to my friend next to me and said this class is an ******* joke. He laughed and said I know and I'm sorry. I then looked through more of the papers and it said "Please ask for help". That is when I started ripping up the papers. Obviously i know how to change a font, or put in a bullet, or make a hanging indent!! The font is different from the rest of the font is it not? That paragraph is indented is it not?! This is not a class on do you know how to use a computer, this is a class on do you care to waste your time reading every tiny instruction and follow along. NO I DO NOT care to read every tiny instruction to follow along and make this ephing paper all that you say it has to be. I obviously know how to use word, I have been doing it since grade school and I could teach a class on this shit. And do not patronize me and tell me to ask for help. What I need help with is shoving this class up the college's backside. I'm on the very edge of a verge of a breakdown.

Things I've Learned

I have recently learned a few things about myself and about life. I have learned these things from many different people. I have learned from some people in my life that just because you love someone that does not mean that you can't be frustrated and talk crap on them in lots of moments of weakness. And its fine cause you love them and they love you and they are probably doing the same thing. I have learned that I enjoy long bike rides on my bike that is not meant for traveling long distances. I have learned that these long bike rides are a great way to blow off some steam and clear my thoughts. I have also learned that these bike rides will leave bruises on my bum. That just because you have a sudden craving for peanut butter cookies, sometimes it is better to ignore it and save yourself the time and energy spent on making them and the calories eating them. Recently I have discovered just how passionate I can be about child birth and breastfeeding. Also I have learned that life throws you curve balls that you didn't see coming and you don't have to be mad or upset about your black eye, you just have to spend the time and energy to make those peanut butter cookies so you can feel better.

So this is Amore'

It is warm and sunny outside, the doors and windows are open. I have my favorite radio station on. The voice of Dean Martin begins singing That's amore' and Alex (the 5 yr old) asks if we can dance. As we are dancing and spinning around, the 'this could not get any better' feeling fills my body. The song ends and Alex says "Shauntae, that was awesome. But also I think I got a wedgie." It just got better. I think again this could not get any better. I now find myself sitting on the grass eating spaghetti. It just got better.

The Ridiculousness of Me

Hello. My name is Shauntae and I am an addict. My drug of choice is Nutella. Yes Nutella. It hazelnutty goodness has me acting crazy. I was on my way to do homework and had a craving. I found myself in the walmart parking lot looking for my purse. I couldn't find it so I then found myself digging through my car for change. I found $3.50. Turned out to be the perfect amount for the jar of Nutella I walked in to purchase. After having a spoonful, I suddenly felt calm and started going through what I had done to get this Nutella high. I thought this must be what its like to be really addicted to something. Sickening thought, but I have thoroughly enjoyed having this jar of Nutella to snack on whilst I do homework. Well blog but as soon as I'm done I am going to do homework. Well after another spoonful of Nutella.

Mixed Feelings

It is Monday. Usually on Mondays I know I am going to have a reason to be in an awful mood simply because it's Monday. Today however I am struggling to know what to feel. This morning I have written a 5 page paper, enjoyed a twix, and the sight of an Asian with a mullet. All very good things but also this morning, my cold has hit my chest and has brought on fits of painful coughing and cold induced asthma, I have written a 5 page paper, and well it's Monday. What to do? What to do? Choose to be happy and laugh at my day,or use the opportunity of this sickness to wallow in self pity? Damn I hate making decisions.

Conversations

With my mother:
Hello?

Hi mom

Hi Tae

I just want you to know i'm sick again and its cause you formula fed me

It has nothing to do with the copious amounts of sugar you eat on a regular basis?

Don't try to pass the blame

Oh eat rocks

You might as well have fed me rocks as a baby

You're so dramatic

Probably cause I was bottle fed

I love you, goodbye

Ok love you too, bye

With Alex:

Shauntae you need to get a boyfriend

Why?

So you can bring him to my birthday

Why do you want that?

Cause your boyfriends are more fun than you

With myself:

Shauntae you need to do homework

Why?

Because you need to get good grades so people will continue to give you money for your schooling

What happened with the single mom idea?

Your parents would kill you

More people than just my parents would kill me

Yeah exactly

But I wouldn't have to do homework if I got killed

Good point, let's go with that plan

Who's going to kill us?

Uhh. . . Damn it! Foiled again!

With myself again:

I think your hips are getting bigger

I know

You need to hurry and get married before they get any worse

Shut up

Also I think I have a shopping problem. Today I bought a thing of salt cause it was 40 cents. And I was thinking about what I could do with it. The first thing that came to mind was ward off witches. I wish I was joking about this but I'm not, it really happened. Blame my mom, she fed me formula as a baby.

February IS my LOVE

I really do love February. The reasons I love it today are it's wednesday, the week is half over! Woot Woot!! Also I witnessed this while killing time, waiting for class to start. The second photo is what I saw first, this kid rides into the building on his scooter, waffle iron in hand, plugs it in and rides back out. Then his friends show up, bring camp chairs and start making waffles in the business building! I loved it, it smelled so good and I was ashamed at my sudden attack of shyness. I wanted one so badly and I wanted to be their friend but I was overcome with the need to hide in the corner and sneak pictures of them while my stomach growled.







And also I used my expert skills in procrastinating to watch the Bachelor instead of do homework. I love my life and the lack of motivation I have to do anything productive with it.

I Wonder

I am currently sitting in the library at the college. I am taking up 3 of the big, soft, and still incredibly uncomfortable chairs. I wonder if it bothers anyone that I am not wearing shoes. I wonder if it bothers the people trying to study that I was playing music on my computer and thought that my headphones were plugged in but actually they were only half way plugged in and the music was actually playing out loud for all to hear. I wonder why it took me at least 3 songs to figure out why my headphones sounded weird. I wonder why I am sitting at the library pretending to do work but really I am just playing around on the internets. I wonder why I even bother to try to do anything after 8 pm. Also I wonder if I could find someone to take me to see Tony Bennett in Vegas this month.

Monday Monday Monday

Let's bow our heads and give thanks that January is over. Hooray for that, except some of January's awfulness has crept into my February of love. Let me explain. My first moments of February were joyful, happy, and full of love, I even wore my favorite red shirt. On the way to school, I saw a lady crossing the street, doing arm pit farts to the cars as she passed. This made me laugh, a lot, maybe because I was not one of the cars she arm pit farted. Then while at school, I had lots of nice day dreams about summer and swimsuits and beaches. I then enjoyed a nice walk in beautiful weather across campus to the computer center where I was to quickly take a test and be finished with a section in that class. That is when remnants of January found their awful ugly way into my beautiful February. I retrieved my folder for the class, preparing to take my test and I notice that I am not cleared for testing. I approach the counter where the teachers are and ask "May I take the test?" To which, they look at my folder and reply "No you need to fix an assignment." "I am not graded on these assignments and even if I don't re-do this one assignment, I should still be able to take the test because I have all the others, so says this guideline. And I would rather just take the test than waste the time re-doing this assignment that I am not graded on anyway." "Well we can't approve you to test until all of these are cleared." I then ask "Well what exactly is wrong with the assignment?" This is honestly the answer that I got " Your slashes are going to the wrong way." Naturally I burst into fits of laughter because surely they must be joking. I think this is when it really started to go down hill. I look her in the eyes and say "You're joking right? You are not seriously preventing me from taking the test because my slashes are leaning to the right instead of the left?" "Well the assignment is wrong and needs to be corrected." "I am not going to waste the time re-doing this because my slashes are the wrong way." "I can't approve you for testing until it is corrected and resubmitted." We then had a short staring slash glaring contest. I walked away, flipping her off with my eyes, corrected the assignment and turned it back in. "Oh great are you ready to take the test now?" "No actually, I am fuming and I'm going to come back later when you are not here." I left the computer center and took the same walk that was so beautiful before only this time, I walked it in tears of frustration. Trust me I looked really sane walking across campus bawling and cussing, not quietly either. My once pleasant day dreams turned into snowy, cold, January day dreams of death and destruction of the computer center by toilet papering and spray paint. And not even pretty glittery spray paint, but ugly black and poopy brown spray paint. 20 minutes of crying, another 20 minutes of fuming and cussing and slamming things around, and 1 piece of cake later, I am feeling the love of February again. On a positive note, I have decided that it has been more than a year since the demise of my last relationship and I am ready for a new BF. I haven't decided on who it will be yet but I'm leaning towards Channing Tatum, or Jude Law.

What did I just put into my mouth?

I know the title sounds like some weird porn but trust me its worse than that. Sometimes weird things happen, things that have never happened before and will probably never happen again. Things that you can come up with explanations for but never really know what made it happen. This morning one of those things happened. It happened while brushing my teeth. I was almost finished with the entire process, I was rinsing my mouth out not really paying much attention until I spit the water out of my mouth and it was black. I thought 'huh that's weird I would have thought for sure if it were to be any color it would be pink cause I just ate an entire package of Swedish fish.' I then looked at the water coming from the tap, it was running black. And then it was gone, back to normal. Like a bad horror film where some creature or curse is coming through the tap to do away with me cause I watched some movie or climbed the wrong tree or something. Needless to say I was more than a little worried that I was going to die or be haunted for at least the rest of the afternoon. I mean I had just put black water in my mouth, that is more than a little unsettling. So far I have been fine but if in 7 days or maybe some other amount of time, you hear about a woman turning into a pool of haunted ghostly mud, or her insides were eaten out by some kind of black watery creature from another world, it was me. And just be prepared to tell the authorities that it started in my bathroom on Sunday around 11 am.

Exposed

I have made my blog unprivate once again and my computer is telling me unprivate isn't a word but I disagree. I am not sure what inspired the decision but I was just tired of having to type in email address after email address so people could read it. I also decided that if people want to be upset about what I write I don't care. That is their choice and they can stick a rod up their bum. That is all.

Too Lazy

I was going to update my blog but I'm feeling rather lazy today. I have done this since I got up at 11: 2 loads of laundry, ate 2 helpings of apple crisp and 2 helpings of death by chocolate dessert. I think typing this is just too much. I'm done.

My Endless Love

I have a new love and I can't get enough of it. I started watching the show Glee when it first came out then I cancelled my TV service but I recently discovered Hulu and caught myself up on all the episodes I missed. Oh my goodness I love that show so so much. I can't get enough of it. My favorite gLee moment is when Mr. Schuester and Rachel sing Endless Love. You should youtube it most definitely. After singing the song, Rachel develops a teacher crush to which Mr. Schuester sings to her this ballad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_UOGzEh2hs&feature=related

It made even me fall in love with Mr. Schuester. Well I was in love with him already but still I love him even more now. It is my favorite episode thus far and I keep watching it over and over.

Giddy Up

Last night, a boy I will call Mr. Dillinger, lured me out of my nice warm and comfortable bed with the offer to see a movie I have been wanting to see for a long time. It was the latest showing and we were the only ones in attendance. Did we make out? Yes. Do I have that giddy sort of I made out in a movie theater like a teenager sort of feeling today? Hahahahaha YES! I loved it so much and I am loving my day today because of it.

Rain Rain Go Away

The rain has forced me inside today (where I usually am during the winter but I usually have to option of grabbing a jacket and going outside if I want). It has been raining since the beginning of time, or at least since Monday, and I just don't appreciate a week of cold, windy, wet weather. I am such a negative nancy when it comes to being cold and it is still January. I know I said this last year but honestly why does January last all year?! I thought it had been three weeks since I last updated my blog but no, it was only a few days ago. Let's talk about the adverse effects rain has on me. Rain for whatever reason makes me feel drowsy and groggy all the time. Not seeing the sun for 4 days does not go over well with me. I love sunshine, it makes me pretty and happy. I keep leaving treats outside on the sidewalk hoping to lure the sun out. It hasn't worked. The rain also makes me want to watch sappy love movies by a fireplace with ho cho and a good looking man to cuddle with and I currently have no good looking men to cuddle with. However, the moisture in the air does wonders for my hair and skin, and who doesn't love the smell of rain, I mean really. But those are the only good things I will say about the rain. I'm gonna leave a Jimmy Dean egg mcmuffin sandwich things out for the sun. The sun on the TV really likes those so maybe this will work.

Blow Out the Candles

I wish I could say I am in a better mood than I was earlier but compared to my mood now, I was in a fantastic mood a few hours ago. I just spent close to 2 hours watching a video from my computer literacy class on how to turn in assignments for the class. I am really trying to have a good attitude about it like hey its an easy A. All I have to do is put in the time, but honestly, its a waste of time. And the instructor on the video treats me like I am a child. Yeah I know it's prerecorded and that annoys me even more. My intelligence it insulted and it has put me in a sour mood, so I am going to blow off some steam with Pandora, blogging, and banana chips. I love Pandora, they are so magic by knowing all of my favorite musics before I even know it and I prefer dried fruit to real fruit. I am not sure why that is but dried banana is so much better tasting than regular banana. Also I can whine and complain to you guys all I want because what are you going to do? Tell me to shut up? That doesn't mean anything because by the time you do I'm finished complaining and I have probably moved on to something else to be annoyed by. Oh and on a side whine I cut my thumb on the inside bend and it is swollen and ouchy. Ok I am done, well for now anyway. I think I need to dance, Zumba it is!

Another January

I just paid 96 dollars for a traffic citation. Suck. January sucks always. That is all.

Blah!!!

So school has started, the first week is almost over. I hate two of my classes already. They are required online courses for the teaching of how to use a computer and how to use a library. I just took 50 minutes to listen to an ephing video on what I need to do to learn how to take a class on how to use the computer and I did this on the computer. The state of Utah is ruh tarded and I am in a bitter mood about it. Dear CIS 1200 I would rather die a thousand deaths by being eaten by a lion than be patronized by an old lady doing web seminars about how to use the web. Stupid EFFING class!!!

Happy New Year!

I have already accomplished so much in the 6 days of this year. I have registered for school (a week before it starts, classy I know) I have showered once or twice. I have slept, a lot and I have eaten, a lot. I always find it difficult to return to eating human sized portions after eating elephant sized portions that I eat all holiday season. I got a ticket for running a stop sign (I totally paused, the cop was just in a bad mood for sure). And now I have updated my blog. What a productive 6 days!