I would like to thank the academy ...

Today, at roughly 11 a.m., I successfully (hopefully) completed the semester from New Jersey. I would say hell but New Jersey seems more appropriate. There are some of FB status' I would like to post of remarks about this semester but so I don't forget any, I am doing them all at once: 1: Pardon me while I tuck 18 credits under my belt. 2: In July, freedom smells like hot dogs and fireworks. In December, at the end of the semester, freedom smells like hour and hours Gilmore Girls and fudge, at least it would smell like fudge had my husband not eaten it all last night. 3: There are a lot of people I would like to thank. First, I would like to thank Garrett Faylor for the fist pump of triumph and solidarity. Secondly, I would like to thank April Jackson for loving my hair as much as I do. I would also like to thank Jesse Cook for keeping the change that occurs in his voice (it goes to a higher pitch I am not kidding) when I am sounding like an idiot to a minimum. Thank you to those strange and sometimes inappropriate dreams about my professors that kept the class interesting. And of course my husband for keeping me well fed and almost sane. I would also like to thank myself for not killing anyone in their sleep or mine. I think I had a few more but forgot them while writing my acceptance speech. Here is to three weeks of sleeping in, clear skin, and non-achy muscles. The last three weeks have been a real bear but it's all over now. Well, until January.

School but mostly Praise to my friends and my God

School has driven me to edge of my sanity. So that's all on that subject. Other bits have brought me back to my center. My last post, what to say about that. It helped me much more than I ever knew or expected. I hate to sound cliche' but I seriously had no idea how freeing that would feel. Lately, the words from O Holy Night have taken on a new meaning for me. "Chains shall He break for the slave is a brother and in His name ALL oppression shall cease." Admitting out loud to myself and at the same time everyone else in the world, brought an experience of freedom and release that rivaled the freedom I experienced when I gave my life to God. The love and support I felt and continue to feel was something I did not expect to feel or receive. Thank you for the love you have shown, the love that brings healing. Most importantly, praise be to the Lord for true deliverance and freedom that comes from His loving sacrifice. "Let all within us Praise His holy name."

It's Ugly but It's not What It Looks Like

Lately, I have been reflecting on where I was a year ago (as many do when the year comes to an end)and I am starting to see where I was a year ago in ways that I didn't recognize at the time. I knew that I was in an abusive relationship when the physical violence started, what I didn't recognize was that it was abusive long before it ever became physical. We all know the textbook definition of abuse and I knew that abuse wasn't just a physical thing. What I didn't understand was that it's not always a conscious thing either. Before, my idea of an abusive man was someone with a mental check list that went something like this: Today, mock her endlessly for the way she does her hair Tomorrow, do my best to make her feel guilty for spilling water and the next day, literally beat her over the head with the Bible while telling her that her religious beliefs are cult like. And because I thought that abuse was a conscious choice, I felt guilty for not being able to recognize the malicious plan this man had to tear down everything he could, and I hated that I was the "type" of woman that would let a man do that to me. And even after the relationship ended, I was (and still am on some level) tormented with the idea and belief that there is something wrong with me,that because I didn't recognize what was abuse that I let it happen. Granted, even after I realized and recognized abuse, I stayed in the relationship longer than I should. What I am trying to say is that I didn't realize that it was abusive, that I was being mentally, and emotionally abused long before he ever raised a hand against me. It's a slow process, from my experience on both sides of the relationship. It didn't start with him immediately belittling the way I dressed, and it didn't immediately start with me accepting every jeer he threw my way. As the violence of his abusive behavior escalated, so did my level of toleration and willingness to look the other way. I didn't want to write this because I wanted every one to throw a pity party for me. I am healing and being healed, the lasting effects of that relationship still creep up and I am sure they will for a long time. I don't know what my intent behind writing this is, maybe to bring healing to myself and others, or maybe to say that abuse isn't always stereotypical. I realize that what I experienced is only a fraction of what some women experience, but putting it into "perspective" was part of the problem. Even when I recognized that it was abuse, I rationalized it as well at least he doesn't hit me. Then when he did hit me, well at least he doesn't hold a gun to my head, and then when it escalated as these things do, and he did hold a gun to my head, well at least he didn't pull the trigger. (And thank God that he didn't) I'm still learning what abuse means and what it looks like but I do know that the "well she should have recognized it, or I told you all along that you should get out of that relationship" it doesn't help and it often adds guilt and shame. I am so thankful that I got out of that alive. And I am thankful for the ways the Lord is healing me. One of those ways being my wonderful husband. What a difference a year makes.

We're not that Special

I, like many of you, am exhausted by the thought of a few more weeks of political rhetoric still ahead. I'm frustrated by it and annoyed by it but what I find most disheartening is the sentiment that we should keep our opinions to ourselves because minds aren't going to be changed. While that may be true for some, I generally disagree with the sentiment because when we have more information to work with, our minds may change. Otherwise, what is the point of learning? Some call this being a flip-flop (as if it's a bad thing to change positions once more information has been attained). I have been wrestling with writing this post for a while now because I didn't want to be one more voice spouting an angry, one sided, political view but I couldn't get it out of my head so now I am putting it on paper (well internet paper). It's a bit naive to think that there was ever a time in this country without political rhetoric. From this countries inception, the debate among politicians and constituents has been for more or less democracy. In the beginning, Thomas Jefferson and his "Jeffersonians" argued against that other group about the economy. Jefferson argued that less government involvement meant more democracy for all, and thank goodness for us, his argument won out. And every election cycle, the argument continues. This election is no different. We all know that each candidate has a "plan" and personal ideas of how to "fix" and "change" what is, in their minds, wrong with the country. My worry and question is this: Which plan offers more freedom? Not just for me, but for everyone now and anyone who will come to be? Our generation, and this electoral cycle is not that special. More government involvement or less? I'm on the side of Jefferson, I would like less government involvement in every aspect of my life. Including but not limited to school, work, and my health care.

Gratitude now!

Serenity now! Serenity now! But I feel more like gratitude now, gratitude now! Why? Because I feel ungrateful lately, evident in the way I whined about my quesadilla falling apart when I was trying to eat it, at least I have a quesidilla to eat. Have you noticed I don't know how to spell quesedilla? Yeah well I'm an English major not a Spanish major. Anyhow, things I'm grateful for: 1: A good and loving God 2: My good looking, good cooking husband 3: the opportunity to go to school (got to keep repeating that one to myself) 4: a car that runs like a kitten purr, or however the saying goes 5: the opportunity to be humbled, not that I am wishing for that fyi I'm just grateful for the growth it brings 6: the mountains and going for hikes with the man 7: making my shirt into a bag to carry pine cones home in, we call that ingenuity 8: fresh veggies from my uncles garden 9: healthy ways to keep my pits from stinking to high heaven (I don't trust deordorant, it's poison) 10: and again my ever patient and loving husband. I could go on but I have a paper to write. (Serenity now!)

God's Grace

No one knows how to make God sound like a rock star more than Joel Osteen. Occasionally, I find myself enjoying his programming and listening to him proclaim things like "Our God is far out!" Through time and strife, I have come to appreciate Joel and his insight. Especially when he says things like "You are heavy laden,not with burdens. Not with troubles, but with God's grace. You are heavy laden with God's favor.You only have to give God permission to flood you with blessings." This statement reminded me of another unexpected source of insight, Creflo Dollar. Weird right. But I once heard him say to his congregation "God's grace is already there. Forgiveness is done. All it is for you to do is to take ownership of what God has already done." This I know, God is limitless. The atonement is already done, which means healing is done, forgiveness is done, love is already there and available. By not accepting the blessings, love and healing that is already made for us, we are limiting God. By not owning the things provided us, we are denying the love God gave us through His son. I find myself doing this very thing in many areas of my life. In the words of Joel Osteen "You walk in God's grace. You are showered with His favor. Why do you deny Him the great pleasure of blessing you with greatness?"

Bread Brain

For almost a whole month, my work has been on hiatus. This has made me very very bored. After a few out of boredom melt downs, I made bread. And have been making bread. Lots of bread. Sometimes the man even makes bread. We have gone from eating no bread at all to 2 loaves a week. What a joy. My mouth is watering just waiting for the fresh loaves to get out in about 2 minutes. But really, is there anything better than fresh baked bread smothered in home made jam? Oh that's right, we made jam too. Just call me Laura Ingles.

I have something to say about that...

Lately, and when I say lately I mean like the last few years, I have been trying to decide how I feel about homosexuality and especially when it comes to marriage. I have done a lot of reading, thinking, and praying about the subject. I have change my mind about it several times. And then I decided to let my heart decide. My head has said over and over, "No big deal, they aren't hurting anyone, Live and Let Live." This has been my thinking but it never felt right to me. My heart was never at peace. My heart tells me that there is something more to marriage than just happiness. My heart also tells me that a persons gender means something. And that both genders have a place in a marriage and in a family. And that children that are brought into that family have a right to grow in the strength of both feminine and masculine love. This does not mean that I believe persons in same sex relationships should be treated badly. And as far as legal unions between these, I am still unsure of where I stand. My post today is regarding the way I feel those who do believe same sex marriage is ok treat those of us who don't. To me, the hypocrisy seems to be as clear as day but maybe it isn't for others. A big argument I see on the interslice is an attitude that those who support homosexuality are bullied and badgered by those of us who don't. And that may be true, in fact, I'm sure it is. On the other hand, I see private organizations and businesses and even myself being demonized for standing up for what they believe, and I see that the bullying is on both sides. What I see and feel is that people of differing beliefs are asking each other to be small. In fact I have read and seen on both sides that those who disagree should "be ashamed of themselves." I have been told this myself, that I should be ashamed of something I posted on Pinterest. It would seem that now the side opposite of what I believe is saying, we're done being small, this is who we are, see us. But they seem to be doing so by trying to make me small. Trying to make me feel ashamed and small because of my beliefs, that I have spent time and love and it has been difficult to come to these beliefs. Basically what I am saying is, if you have something to prove, than prove it. But as we have all been taught since youth, You don't make yourself bigger by making others small.

Girls and Boys

Ok so here are a few things on my mind since I have been MIA. I'm slowly coming out of the newly wed bliss state. But I don't expect a full recovery for a long while. Number one thing on my mind, I can't seem to remember to do anything but watch Awkward. and play on Pinterest. Every other day I'm like oh here is a list of things to do and then I completely forget about it for a few days. Oh well, none if it is that important anyway, right? I mean who needs to make sure things at the bank are in order or make sure moneys owed to people get paid. Silly stuff. Second, I feel really annoyed that girls (and boys for that matter) are so darn trashy these days. I just don't understand why teenagers are all so needy and trashy and why I find it to be as funny as it is annoying and detestable. Thirdly, I would like to post wedding pictures and let you all gawk at how lovely I look, but it doesn't seem to be working. Darn.

He is not here; He is Risen

This last week I was surrounded and reminded of a time not long ago when I was literally surround by hate. The man I was in a relationship was abusive in every way possible. There were nights that I was physically and emotion abused for hours at a time and I had never felt more alone and more surrounded by the love of my Redeemer. How could he do this to me when I had loved him so much? At a time when I wished he would die, the Savior saved me from my own hate. It was a painful and emotional journey to my Lord but He had come and I was not alone. I can't say that I believe the LDS church is true but I can and I will shout it to the world that I know my Redeemer lives. I know that He walked alone so I would not have to do so. I know that He loves me, I know that He died for my sins. And I know that He rose from the grave that I would not have to know the pain of death or the pain of separation from my Heavenly Father. Jesus the Christ died for my sins and my hate that I may be redeemed and saved and brought to the true love of Christ.

Happy Easter to us all! He is not here, He is Risen!

Here Comes the Bride!!

Aaaaahhhh!!! My wedding dress is here! And it is wonderful, a little long but beautiful. I love it. I can't believe that I am getting married. Weird. Wonderfully weird.

Huh?

Sometimes I catch myself writing/sending texts that make me think "Um, what? I never thought I would say something like that" but then really it's not very surprising. Here are a few of those beauties:

"Ok, but I don't want to dance. I don't want my uterus bouncing around."

"I'm trying to remember, Did I ever kiss Pooben?"

"Um I was wondering if I am the only one that thinks All American Rejects suddenly became really good looking?"

"Sorry I didn't answer, I was listening to my Christian rock and my fave song was on."

Maybe these txts only seem odd to me. But odd they do seem.

Sooo Much to Say

Sometimes I have so much to say and not really know what to say at the same time. First of all, I want to say those pins that say things like "be careful who you open up to or guard your heart and fear everyone you meet because they will hurt you" really bother me. Why? Well because. Why be soo careful with your heart? If it gets broken, so what? What is it going to harm you to have a broken and open heart? God loves broken things and in fact, I believe He breaks us and allows us to be broken so that we move closer to His heart. Secondly, a world that is so afraid to risk anything even the only true thing we have to risk, being our hearts, is a world that is lacking God and a world that I don't want to pass on to my children. I want to live with my heart wide open. I want everyone I meet to know of God's love because they know of my love. I am an ambassador for God and His children will know of His heart by knowing my heart and the good He has done to it and for it.

We are beautifully and wonderfully made. Which brings me to my next subject of thought. The Devil is a mean, mean man. This past week, I have been plagued with feelings of self doubt and feelings that I am ugly and unworthy of anything beautiful. Now I know that I don't feel this way about myself and I know God doesn't feel this way about me so where was this coming from. And then I read something (probably on Pinterest cause let's face it that's where I spend most of my spare time) that said "You don't have to own every thought you have." Light bulb on my head. Plate to my face. Duh, my self loathing was not me and was not God but was in fact the work of the Enemy. And once I gave the responsibility of my negative thoughts to the person it belonged to, I began to feel better. You may not agree, but if you believe that the Enemy is bent on destroying us, then it could reason that he would want to destroy the imagine in our hearts and minds that we are beautifully and wonderfully made. And really, how nice it is (for me) that I can know that yes yesterday the Enemy had a strong hold on my thoughts but he won't always and I know that the Lord will battle for my heart and has battled for my heart. And that the Lord reassures me that I am lovely, and wonderful enough to fight for.

And finally, I am in love. Yes I said it. And so soon after meeting him and also so soon after having my heart broken by the former. I intent to marry this man. And when I tell people that, most are supportive and happy, but there are some that question my timing. The truth is though, and we all know it, time doesn't guarantee anything. I spent a year and half with the former and that obviously didn't guarantee anything. And then I read something, again on Pinterest, that said something like "Don't compare your love story to the movies. Yours was written by God." My love story was written by God. I see His wonderful hand all over it. I am blessed to have met someone who is so willing to share his heart with me. And while it's not official yet, I excited for a life spent with him and with God. Gah! I'm going to start crying now.