Monday, March 29, 2010

Weekend Pigs in a Blanket

This weekend I went to Richfield for my brother Justin's homecoming. I enjoyed my trip and seeing family but my favorite part was coming back to St. George where it is warm.
I was almost home when just outside of Cedar City near a little town called New Harmony, I saw a white car pulled to the side of the road. I thought huh what is that man doing I wonder if he needs help. I get a little closer and think What color are his pants? They look like skin. And then I was close enough to see that this man was not wearing any pants. I saw his butt cheeks. And I laughed and laughed. Why is a man naked on the side of the road? I don't know but I think it's funny when I get to see it!!!! It just makes me think to myself "Why am I so lucky? Why did I leave Richfield at just the right time to see this naked guy on the side of the road? Why did seeing a naked guy on the side of the road make me wish I was driving home naked?" What a joy my life is.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


It's Wednesday already?! Where did my week go? It feels like it's been a month since Monday. Just so you know:
Pandora and I have made up. I am currently listening to my NSYNC station and it is reminding me of what 7th grade? I love it but I have this to say,

Pandora I appreciate you not wanting to play to an empty room but you can't just send me to silence after being serenaded by Justin Timberlake (here on out to be known as JT)!! It's hard on my senses. First I'm listening to oh Shauntae I love you come to my house and I'll sing you to sleep and I don't even like Jessica Biel to SILENCE. It makes me feel cold. But yes I am still listening, thank you for asking.

Also the girl sitting next to me has no idea what she got herself into when she sat next to me dancing, humming, and the applying of lotion and or hand sanitizer every ten minutes. Those are only the habits I keep track of. Oh hold on lotion break.

Seriously I think my skin is falling off. It's very tight and uncomfortable.(That's what she said) There was something else. Oh yeah. This morning I woke up with the desire to put as my FB status this: I need someone to take me on a hot air balloon ride and also I need to practice my ninja skills so when our hot air balloon pilot turns on us and tries to throw us overboard, I can save us.
This was all based on my dreams. Anyway after a full day in front of the computer, I am now caught up on my homework minus a quiz and I think I may be normal someday soon.
And one more thing I need a duck pond in my back yard so I don't feel guilty about not eating the crusts from my sandwich.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Sleep Signs

I don't really know why I sometimes think it's a great idea to stay up late and get up early but sometimes that is exactly what I do. And did, all last week, there wasn't a night that I got to bed before midnight. It's almost like I am 18 again, but even when I was 18 I went to bed at a decent hour. Last night I didn't go to bed until 1 in the morning and was up at 7. This is bad for me. I need sleep, I am a solid 9 hours of sleep a night kind of girl. When I need more sleep, things get weird. A few signs I need more sleep:

I do the ironing I have been avoiding for months because I can't focus on writing a paper.

I sit down to update my blog and ended up staring at a gold fish for 20 minutes.

I look for something to eat and say "Ugh there is nothing to eat" and then 10 minutes later I'm digging through my purse looking for spilled milk duds, but maybe that has nothing to do with rest and everything to do with my addiction to sugar.

I put my contacts in and then put my glass on and it took at least 2 minutes to figure out why everything was incredibly blurry.

I realize I am still hungry, starving actually, so I take chicken out of the freezer to eat later. Why would I do that? It's frozen and I am hungry now. So then I go search for more spilled milk duds.

I get home from school and tried to open the door and it was locked, so then I started to cry. Why? Because my arms are tired and I don't want to lift my arms to unlock it.

And then I put in the Princes and the Frog. During which I see a preview for the new Toy Story movie and I start to cry again because Andy is all grown up and going to college.

This is when I realize college is lame and it is the reason I am so tired. Well it's not really but I am blaming it anyway and I begin to cry even more.

Oh I also want to tell you guys that I have made a new oath to not swear so much and so far it's hard. Every time one slips out I say "Oh damn it!" and then that one slipped out so then it's "Oh damn it! I did it again!" and "again" Argh!! But really it's not that bad. I think, I just don't even know anymore, I'm just so tired.

I need more milk duds.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Spring Break, We're So Over

So this spring break I was sort of bitter. It was the first spring break in 5 years that I haven't gone to some sort of tropical paradise and this made me sort of very annoyed and then add to it that I had to work and then drive across the country. In an attempt to feel better about life, I watched episode after episode of Fresh Prince. Here is where I learned that I love pick up lines and I wish that more men would use them, they would almost always work on me. My favorite pick up line is "Girl let's get barbecue and get bizzy!" This particular pick up line, if used on me, would guarantee at least 3 dates from me. Also this spring break, I picked up my brother from the airport and it is awesome to have him home. And then I had to come home to do school and I will say that spring fever has its grip tightly around my attention. I desperately want to live outside by the river and have long disgusting hair and a fantastic tan and never wear shoes. This is me saying dear universe please let me feel no sense of responsibility so that I may quit school and work and just live in my car by the river.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ketchup and Rub her Buns

I would like to fill you guys in on my spring break but I need to catch up my homework first. I would like to say to whomever thought it would be a great idea for women to feel like their insides are being torn out once a month, I wish you would die. I really just hope my pain meds kick in soon or I may kick someones face in soon. Anyway until I am an unburied from this pile of homework, enjoy your mediocre weather while I sweat away in the St. George sun.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


I have a creepy story. At 11:30 last night I realized there were some things I need for today. So I put an over sized sweater on, hoping no one would notice I wasn't wearing a bra (then I remembered where I was going and didn't actually care) and made the trek to Walmart. Which isn't actually a trek cause it is just down the road. I had that uneasy feeling that you sometimes get and wisely parked under a light in the parking lot. I step out of my car and see another car pull up and that uneasy feeling level went from 4 to 11100. The windows were darkened to the point of not being able to see into it, even under a light and it was a very nice car. And there are nice cars in St. George but they are all owned by old people and as we all know, old people go to bed at 4 so for this nice, dark, creepy car to be at Walmart it was for sure out of place. I'm walking toward the entrance keeping the corner of my eye on this car, 4 mean creepy drug lords looking like mexicans step out. And my uncomfortable level jumped to one trillion and seven. My first thought when I saw these guys was "Great they are going to rob Walmart, take me hostage and do some kind of drive by." Well I stare them down a bit, kind of a "hey I won't go down without a fight so don't try anything" look. I enter the store to get what I need and I notice one of the guys seems to be around every corner, I think he was following me. Pretty sure he was so I walked around Walmart kind of passing time til they leave or I figure something out cause I sure as hell was not going to walk into a dark parking lot with nothing but a bunch of banana's and a Swiss army knife. After about half an hour I didn't notice this guy following me anymore and I decide it's probably ok to go but I still wasn't walking out to my car alone, so I spend a little more time walking around looking for a man to walk me to my car. There are about a million women and old men around and I'm like "REALLY WALMART THIS IS WHO YOU ARE GONNA HIRE TO WORK AT NIGHT?!!?" Finally I notice some frat boys checking out so I hurry to check out and ask one of them to walk me to my car. So it was fine in the end and obviously there are some points where I am exaggerating the story a bit but really it was a frightening situation. And I was so scared I had a hard time sleeping last night which has made today a very middle of the week kind of Wednesday. Today people were honking at me and I did the jerk awake thing and I found myself in the drive through at Del Taco. Apparently I had ordered a chicken soft taco and some cheesecake bites. But I was like 'Who honks in the Del Taco drive through?!" Are you all really that anxious to get your burrito's that are gonna give you explosive diarrhea?!?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Jimmy Fallon Style

Jimmy Fallon is a funny late night tv host and sometimes he writes thank you notes. I have a few thank you notes of my own though they will not be nearly as funny as Jimmy's.

To Facebook:
Thank you for letting me know that some of my high school schoolmates really did grow up to be the train wrecks I thought they would grow up to be.

To Vienna from the Bachelor:
I have decided to never ever travel to Vienna because of you. Thank you for ruining my life. I hate you.

To Sarah Noel:
Thank you for letting me watch the Bachelor at your house and also thank you for letting me hang out and watch tv for an hour and a half cause I was anxious and showed up that much early.

To the new Bachelorette:
Thank you for not being Tenley. My sister wife Steph and I agree that she deserves real love and not tv reality love.

To my mind:
Thank you for all the mean and funny thoughts that keep me entertained.

To my self control:
You fail me a lot of the time especially when it comes to treats and sweets, but thank you for not letting me say the majority of the mean and entertaining thoughts that would probably not entertain the people I think them about.

And to the Universe:
Thank you for always sending me something great right when I am about to say FML.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I Like to ride my Bicycle

I would like to tell you all about my bike ride to church. I have found a route that suits me well. It is still 7 miles long and the majority of it goes along the river. This I love, without this, things would smell awful, like the freeway, the entire length of my weekly ride. However because of this there are many small creatures scurrying all over the place and no matter how I try, I always end up running someone over. Sorry lizard, and other lizard, and baby frog. This trail I take is also a favorite for old people on Sunday mornings and what bothers me about this is the fact that they ride faster than I do and yell things like "Coming up on your left" out of nowhere and I scream in fear and panic trying to remember which side is my left. It is decided that I will get those awful biker shorts with pads in the bum to wear under my skirt. Speaking of skirts, I was trying to decide if people on the bike trail are so friendly just cause they are, or if they can see up my skirt while I am riding? I don't care much as long as they remain friendly.