Waste Not, Want Not...Or Not

I am quickly learning and firmly believing that nothing is ever wasted. I recently found myself saying something along the lines of 'I don't want to waste my time with something fruitless." And then, in another strange flashback, I was taken back to my geology class and my teacher said "Every drop of water on this Earth will always be on this Earth. It is recycled and reused and pushed under ground and evaporated into the air but it is never wasted." Or something to that affect and it hit me, nothing is wasted. The last year and half with the ex wasn't wasted time, or wasted love, or wasted anything. From that time, I learned and I grew and I became better. I didn't waste love on someone who just took it without a thought of sharing any with me. (Which is how I felt for a long time. Why love him when he isn't giving me any love. Which seems an immature thought but think about it, how many times do you not do something, some random act of love and kindness because you think it won't come back to you or that it will be unappreciated or unnoticed? We all do that.) It (meaning love given out) may not be used in the way that you intended it and you may not even see that love being used and felt, but that doesn't mean the Love isn't being used or felt. Time spent on doing silly things, making mistakes, or just being a dumby is not a waste. It's all part of the journey and what you put out will improve someones life. You may not realize it at the time, but in the end, it will improve your life as well. How freeing is that, to feel and realize that nothing is lost or wasted? For me, it makes following my heart more do able. My brain has a bad habit of saying "Hey that act of joy is wasting our time getting down to business". I think I'm just going to ignore that killjoy of a brain from now on.

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

I love Christmas time. Mostly because I love the music. My favorite Christmas song varies from year to year and this year it's "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." I think about the lyrics and feel a sense of peace and gratitude. My favorite lines are those concerning our Savior coming to free us from Satan's power and might. I feel free, and I feel alive, and I feel so submersed in God's love that Love is the only thing that seems to flow out of me lately.

I was contemplating the direction my life has taken since leaving my parent's home and venturing on my own and my thought was, what did I ask for from my Father that lead me to the lessons and experiences that I have since experienced? And I remembered of a time when I asked to learn to love like He loves.

I have a long way to go still. But I know that any of the pain that I ever felt and ever will feel is so that I will know how to comfort and love those that feel pain. Just as the joy I have ever and will ever feel is so I know how to celebrate with those who rejoice.

Our experiences aren't so different that we can't understand each other's lives. We aren't meant to pretend that everything is ok. If we are hurting, it's ok to reach out and ask for comfort. We've all experienced pain and loss. It doesn't mean you're weak or crazy for feeling things and for feeling things deeply.

We're never alone. And that is a huge tiding of comfort and joy.

I Must Go, The World is Calling

I have been bitten by the travel bug. I can't help it. The list of places I want to go is getting longer and longer. I feel as though I am coming out of my skin. At the top of my list? The northern lights. Alaska and all of it's cold is calling me. Dear Lord, please open up the path for me to see Your wondrous creations. And do it soon. Please.

How Do I Loathe Thee. . .

Here are just a few things that I despise:

1: People who talk about how bored they are on FB. The older they are, the worse it is. You're bored, really you're like 29, adults can do what they want so really do something about it.

2: Baby growth tracker apps. I dry heave every time I see one of those creepy cartoon fetus things.

3: Sort of related to number 2, women who describe their private parts online. "I'm dilated to a pumpkin and cervix is in a great position." No one wants to hear about your vag, just post a picture when the baby comes out, we don't need a play by play of your lady parts stretching.

4: That stupid commercial with the door bell. Tricks me every time. Ok well twice.

The Incredible Hulk, Only Purple

Suddenly I feel the surge of power through my veins. I imagine this is the way the Hulk feels when he gets angry, only my surge happens when I feel loved instead of angry. I am reassured that I am enough. I am equipped, empowered, and anointed to do what God has sent me to do. I have what it takes and I am something this world needs. I have something to offer that no one else in this world has and I am here for a reason. And feeling that in every part of my body gives me the strength to rip my shirt off, only I like this shirt so I won't rip it.

Lost in Translation

Compassion seems to be at the forefront of all my thoughts. I am seeing "Be gentle, I am hurting" signs everywhere I look. These are not real signs, but lately I seem to be seeing the pain in everyone's face. I can see it in my exes face every time I see him stumbling around. It says "Be gentle with me. I'm losing my father to brain cancer and I'm struggling to control my own addictions." My heart aches for him and I wish desperately that I could take that pain from him. Somehow though, it all turns to anger, and bitterness and instead of showing love and compassion, I spout hurtful words and venomous stares. Instead of offering comfort, I complain that he can't see past his own pain to recognize that others are hurting too, more specifically that I am hurting.

I see this man every day and it's not easy. I keep begging for a way out. Please Lord I can't take anymore, show me the way out. And the answer, or feeling that I keep getting is "you're not done, he needs your love." To which I usually reply, "I have no more love to give him." "My love, you have more love to give than most people."

But the love and comfort I want to give seems to get lost in translation. How do you love the unlovely?

This is Me; Butt Naked (Hypothetically Speaking)

I have come to realize that I keep looking for God in the wrong places. More I keep looking for Him to communicate with me in the wrong ways. This morning I had an epiphany of sorts, although it didn't really feel like a stop me in my tracks I finally get it get it sort of epiphany. It was more of a passing thought that said "ok I see now" and then another thought "why didn't I notice that earlier? What I have I missed by looking in the wrong places?" The actual realization didn't shake me to my core but the implications will change my life forever. I am a reader. I love reading and always have so it makes sense that God would speak to me through the writing of other and the writing of myself.

God moves me in many ways. Through music, colors, nature and the love of others, I see and feel God. But when I'm reading,and most of the times it doesn't even matter what it is I'm reading, I hear God speaking to my heart and soul. The answers I am looking for are suddenly understood.

The truth is, I am broken and hurting and lost. And I keep begging God for understanding and comfort. And I kept looking for Him to show His love for me by leaving flowers on my doorstep, as strange as that sounds. And then it hit me "you're a writer, naturally I will speak to you through writing." And then I had this strange, twilight-zoney experience of all the words from books and blogs that have brought me healing. And of all the loved ones that brought those words to my life. It first started with a recommendation from a friend to read a book called "Wild at Heart." I think this friends intentions in me reading it were really to help understand men, which it did but more over, it helped me understand the role of God as a father and man in my life. Wild at Heart brought healing to my soul and lead me to another book called "Captivating" that brought even more healing to my soul. And it continued to spiral. Friends keep recommending books that bring comfort and healing and bring me closer in my relationship to God.

I have something to offer this world. And I think that it has something to do with my words.

Vanity Tae

Sometimes I have a strong streak of vanity. This causes me to take my big hats out on a date. Then we, me and my hats, get our pictures taken. These are a few of those lovely pictures.

Throw Pillows

As a woman, I have found myself in the position of explaining the purpose of throw pillows many times. And each time it usually ends with "you just don't understand!!" or "I don't know how to explain it! I just like them ok!!" And honestly, I didn't get throw pillows either, why do I like them so much? And I ask myself the same questions men ask me about them: why put pillows on the bed that you aren't allowed to lay on? And why make more work for yourself when making your bed? Wouldn't it be nicer to just have no pillows on the bed except for laying on? They aren't even comfortable, you only use them to look nice, why?

Well I think I finally get it. After reading a book called "Captivating" which is a guide to understanding a women's soul by John and Stasi Eldredge, I learned that my feminine heart has a deep desire to be beautiful and create beauty. So there, I will now answer all the questions about why throw pillows with because they are pretty and no you are not allowed to put your greasy face on them because I want them to stay pretty. And the same goes for all decorating including seasonal decor. I put pumpkins on the table because it looks nice and all you have to do is enjoy the looking nice of it all.

3 Cinnamon Rolls Later. . .

I have just realized that I am well on my way to getting over the end of my relationship. I have already gone through the first three stages.

Stage 1: I am so depressed I can't get out of bed, talk to anyone, or even eat. Emotional starving is always the stage that seems to be the most beneficial. Cause it leads you right into stage two.

Stage 2: Emotional shopping also known as "retail therapy" This stage can also be considered beneficial depending on how you look at it. One you get to have a closet full of new things that all look fantastic on you cause of the emotional starving. On the other hand, you spend way too much and now your bank account is starving as well. And chances are, stage three will leave all the new clothes useless.

Stage 3: Emotional eating. The stage that I am currently in. I will spare you the gross details of the things I have consumed this weekend but I will tell you that I have an ache in my stomach that may not go away for awhile. Why can't I go back to the emotional starving stage?

Pressing Questions

I have a few questions.

1: How did eHarmony get my email address? I mean really eHarmony it hasn't been that long I am not ready to find a new soul mate yet. Boundaries eHarmony, boundaries. You're moving way too fast for me, if any dating site should have my email address right now it should be called something like "anonymous cuddling" or "we don't have to talk or even know each others names but I will take you to dinner and a movie just so I don't have to go to a movie by myself." Or something along those lines.

2: Why does eHarmony think my name is Shayla? My email address is my name so how do they get that wrong?

And 3: Why would any man who is trying to pursue a young lady start an email by saying 'I'm probably not as straight as you would like me to be. . ." and still think that that young lady would be interested in pursuing him?

I never check my email. And I do believe that I have new reasons never to check it again. I wish I was making this stuff up.

It's Permanent but Only Temporarily

As most of you have heard by now, I am once again a single woman. This event has come with some other strange events. I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is a post relationship crisis or a midtwenties crisis, either way, I am in crisis. I know this because I spent an entire day Saturday shopping and nearly every article of clothing I tried on was either leather of had an awful animal print on it. I was even close to purchasing this very bad ass leather jacket that looked really bad ass on me. So why not purchase it you ask? Because I realized that it only looked really bad ass on me when I was topless underneath and the jacket was only zipped up half way. It made me feel like cat woman or like I was in the movie Underworld. Obviously I could never leave my room like that and so I chose to instead to be bamboozled by a woman curling my hair and instead spent my money on a straightener that I neither need or want. Those damn kiosk sales persons! If you need a straightener that can also curl your hair, I have one I am more than willing to sell although I know I would never get the ridiculous price that I paid for it.

Preparedness Tips from the Cox Household

As of late, the BF and I have been preparing ourselves for what we call "when the shit goes down." So far this has meant getting 72 hour kits put together. The many hours spent doing this have been frustrating for us but I think possibly entertaining for others. And I have learned quite a lot about preparedness from our conversations. Most of them went like this:

BF: Why are packing us cheap hotel shampoo?
Me: When the shit goes down do you really think we are going to care what kind of shampoo we have to use? No we will just be happy to have it.

Me: I would really like a purple sleeping bag.
BF: No, when the shit goes down, you're going to want to blend in to the ground or the trees or something. You're getting green.
Me: When the shit goes down we're going to have to sleep in trees?
BF: You never know. But that reminds me that we need to get walkie talkies.
Me: Sleeping in trees reminds you of walkie talkies?

Me: You aren't going to pack all of those clothes are you? You're bag will be to heavy for you to carry.
BF: You're right,and when the shit goes down, I probably won't care what I have to wear.

Me: Let's not forget to put some cash into our bags.
BF: When the shit goes down, is cash really going to be worth anything? What we need are some chickens and moonshine, people will trade anything for chickens and moonshine.
Me: Well this list says we should have some cash and some quarters to make phone calls.
BF: Pay phones don't even exist now, they aren't going to exist when the shit goes down.

I feel completely prepared and completely unprepared at the same time. Thank goodness the shit isn't going to go down till October.

1 Degree Down, 3 More to Go

So technically this semester I will have an Associates Degree, although I am not graduating nor am I walking or doing any sort of ceremony (unless you count laying on the beach sipping cold drinks as a ceremony). I know that I still have a long way to go before people call me "Dr. Shauntae: Master of the English Language and Human Experience since the Rise and Fall of the Confederate Union" (I am working on an acronym for that). But I also know not to discount my accomplishments and experiences because they are mine and I love them all. So to celebrate my achievement of attaining an A. S. I will share a few of my experiences and most important lessons and as you may have guessed, most of them have nothing to do with Literary Studies (which is my undergrad major for those of you who don't know). Also we need to note that these lessons have been learned in the last 7 years since that sort of is how long it took me to get this far (not all 7 years were spent in school btw I am not retarded just move at my own pace). And many of these lessons I am still learning. Anyway here we are life lessons according to Shauntae:

1: No matter how many times I tell spell check to ignore the spelling of my name, it will also say that it is spelled wrong and I will always get annoyed about it.

2: Most teachers just want you to come to class, we all know they have nothing to say, they just want to feel important by having a full classroom. And the more often you come to class, the more favored you are by the teachers.

3: Some stereotypes in life are true. People are favored for being pretty. Case in point: Me. I am charming and pretty and male teachers are nicer to me than they are to the men in my class. This is also true for some of the female teachers.

4: I am not ashamed to use my good looks and charm to get what I want and need. And there is nothing wrong or conceited about knowing you are not ugly (although it may sound like it here) and acting like you are ugly sort of makes you ugly. Or at least annoying to be around. Basically, behaving like you are something less than what you are does not get you anywhere and act that way long enough, soon enough you become less than what you are.

5: Sometimes it is alright to end you sentence in a preposition. Only when speaking or writing in colloquial voice, I learned this in grammar class. I also learned that everything you need to know about grammar, you learned in grade school. And if you didn't learn it in grade school, you will never learn it.

6: I spent a lot of time avoiding doing homework in bed because I read an article saying you should not work in bed and because a lot of other people said it is awful to do homework in bed. So I avoided it until one day I said to myself "Self, let us do homework in bed, no one will know." And so I did and it was the best homework I have ever done. I was finally relaxed and comfortable and quite brilliant actually.

7: And this could be the most important lesson I am still learning: I am an adult now and I know what is best for me. I have found that I only waver and doubt when I heed others advice. And this actually opens a whole can of lessons which may be too deep for a blog post.

8: When I am not getting the results I want, try a different approach. For example: I am not BF's mother but I was acting like. Don't do this, do this, pick up your socks, you'll be happier if you do it this way. . . It was not getting me where I wanted, I was unhappy and neither was he. I though I knew what was best for his life and if he would do that, my life would be easier but it wasn't. So after a few dramatic events and some heartfelt conversations with a close friend, I decided to be his friend and lover and not his mother. It is harder than it sounds and we are happier than ever. I have more peace in my life.

9: And although some may not agree with the choices I have made, I have learned that love and forgiveness are never the wrong choice.

10: And finally, I have learned that some things never change. I have one final paper to turn in before finals. It is due tomorrow and I am supposed to be writing it right now and here I am, blogging.

Expect another long post like this in a year and a half, when I have achieved some B.S. Peace and love.

Once In a While

Every once in a while, I am struck with an acute case of OCD. It usually starts with the simple task of putting the dishes away or folding clothes. And it usually ends with the entire house torn apart. Food from the pantry on the floor, piles of laundry strewn throughout the house, and the stove taken apart and covered in degreaser stuff, and me now where to be found. But you would hear a soft sobbing coming from obscure corner of the house. And there in the bottom of some closet, you would find me buried beneath towels and cleaning supplies, rocking bath and forth mumbling over and over to myself something along the lines of "what have I done. what have I done." Today I came down with such a case of OCD and I am now looking around my house thinking what have I done? Who is going to put this back together? I guess I am, right after I finish rocking back and forth in a closet.

Let the Record Show:

I would like to enter a few things for the record. One, BF and I watched the Oscar's last night and I loved it. I don't care what people say, Anne Hathaway did great and James Franco left something to be desired. Franco, while being a total cutie pie, managed to turn me completely off to him with his smug attitude during the entire show. Today I found out that he just didn't give a damn because he felt slighted about not being able to do a song and dance number or something. Unbelievable that one of my favorite man celebs is a total diva douche. Second thing that bothered me was that no one and I mean not even one of the winners thanked God. And that bothered me a whole shit ton. But I did love all of Anne's costume changes, even the tux, and I loved Natalie Portman's acceptance speech when she thanked her love for giving her her greatest role yet (referring to her soon to be baby. So adorable and classy.

Also let the record show this conversation:

Me: I need to get laser eye surgery.

BF: Ok, why?

Me: Well what if one day I am abducted and I lose my glasses in the struggle, and then while I am being held captive there is a knife or a gun sitting right next to me and I can't see it cause I lost my glasses. I will then die in sex slave trade because I am blind.

BF: Ok I see your point but the thing is, you are way to old for the sex trade. You are 24 that is like menopause years in the sex trade. And when they sell you to the sex trade, they start you on a heroine drip, you couldn't pick up a knife or gun if you tried and you wouldn't even care

Me: You think no one would want to abduct me and sell me to the sex trade?!!? Because have you seen this ass?! Every dirty filthy patron of the sex trade wants a piece of this.

BF: Ha we'll look into lasik this summer

Me: Thank you

So if I go missing, the first thing to do is ask BF if I ever got laser surgery. Also sorry for all the cussing, it's just that sometimes I think it adds the sass that I want it to add.

For Better or Worse

Spring semester is better and worse than fall for a few reasons. First for the worse part: 1: It has better weather making me want to be outside more and studying less. Also there is a lot to look forward to, like summer, my favorite time of the year. During fall semester what is there to look forward to? Christmas maybe but no because school is over by that time anyway and so it is hard but still seems to go by faster than the spring semester. Well that is more than one reason but Spring semester is also better because at the end of it it is summer time. And I am not sure that this post made sense, but I can't help it. I just sat outside for an hour and read and now my head is all fuzzy with fresh air and I smell like recess which is very distracting. Just be glad my computer spell checks everything I write, otherwise this would have been unreadable.

The Best of BF

You want to know one of my favorite things about BF? I know you do so I will tell you. He never questions my "intuition" if you will. If I say I have a weird feeling about something, he simply says "ok' and moves on. For example, one weekend in Vegas, we were getting ready to get on an elevator and there was a suspicious looking guy attempting to join us in the elevator. I whispered to BF "I don't think we should get on the elevator with him" and BF said "ok" and then proceeded to hang back and wait for a different elevator. And today, at work, we were checking in some product and he asked how is everything looking? I said "well there is this one bottle that made me feel all panicky when I opened it." There was nothing in particular about the bottle that made it stand out, it looked like all the rest, it weighed the same as all the rest, and the seal looked normal. BF said "ok" and put it in the return pile. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal but returning that bottle was a 300 dollar loss for him and he did it simply because I had a weird feeling about it. It's strange and I had even talked myself down from the weird feeling I had about it but he never questioned it. And he never questions it. It's weird and nice.

Did I just say that?

Today I said "Oh wow this week is going to be real easy homework wise. I only have 4 short stories, 1 play, and 1 book to read. And I only have 1 paper to write." Upon reflection of what I had said, I then question what my life has become that I consider that to be an easy week. But compared to the last few weeks, this week will be cake.

I'm so Good

I am really good at throwing things into the trash can when no one is around. This is why I could never have been on the basketball team no matter how tall I am. Well that and I hate basketball and basketball shorts, so unflattering. I am also really good at getting hives over a class presentation. If my presentation is going to be mediocre at best, shouldn't I at least be able to look pretty? I guess not because my face is breaking out like I rubbed it in straight zit causing oil. Also I can't breathe. I am not cut out for this being the teacher for the day stuff. Some one get me a brown paper bag. I can use it for when I am hyperventilating and to cover my seemingly pubescent face.

Who AM I?

So RAW is finally over and I must say that although I was extremely hesitant and doubtful, I absolutely loved it and plan on trying it again. Yes I had my rough spots but they were short and somewhat manageable. Also I loved the energy that I had and what really surprised me, the mental clarity. One day I was driving by myself and I was like hey I can see better but then I realized that my eyes can't see better, my mind could just see better. It is sort of hard to explain but the best way I think I can describe it is like my mind took a deep breath of clean mountain air. You know the feeling? And like I said, I plan on doing it again, in the summer when it is warmer cause that was the hard part, not having any warm food. But when you are hot you don't want warm food right? That is why I think it will be easier in the summer, that is if I give it up in the first place. Yesterday, I hate a handful of baked bbq chips and about 4 sweetish fish and all night long I was doubled over in pain from stomach cramps. And really it didn't even taste that good to me. So this morning I was like hooray I can eat a bowl of cereal. Later I found myself cutting up an apple and banana to eat it with a spoonful of peanut butter and the thought of cereal is giving me the I think I may barf burps. It is a very unusual thing for me to go to Jazzy's for lunch yesterday and order a salad instead of sweet potato fries. I guess this is why I did the diet in the first place, I guess I am just shocked that it actually worked the way I wanted it to.

Strange Territory

This will be the first Valentine's Day that I will have a real boyfriend. Well a few years ago I had a BF on Valentine's day but we didn't do anything. He "fell asleep" really early. But anyway Stephen actually wants to spend the day with me and exchange gifts and the whole deal. But this is unfamiliar territory for me. I have no idea what do get him or do or anything. It's Christmas all over again, except worse cause this time I looked at the website "perfect gifts for nice Jewish boys" for ideas. He is not Jewish. Why can't he eat sweets? I would get him the cheesecake of the month club. Or maybe I should get him the follow your heart compass. You don't think he would be interested in a personalized yamaka, do you?

Ulterior Motives?

So I have a pretty purple netbook. I have had it for a year. After a year of trying to use microsoft office stufffs (such as word, excel, and power point) I finally ran out of free uses. Last year, when I had a paper that was too big to be written on word pad, I would go to the library to write. But this year, more specifically this day, I did not wish to go to the library to write my five page paper that needs to be written. So I finally purchased and downloaded "Microsoft Office Home and Student 2010." It cost me $150. And it has so far taken 1 hour to download and still counting. I was then hit with the realization that I may have subconsciously known that it would take so long and that my deciding to take the hour or more to download it so I wouldn't have to drive the 10 minutes to the college is me actually procrastinating my paper. I actually didn't know it would take so long but maybe my subconscious did and that my subconscious is telling me to procrastinate for some reason like at the right moment that I was going to go to the college, a driver was going to run a red light and I would have been killed in a car accident. Or maybe minute I walked into the library some student was going to be so frustrated with his work that he decided to go on a pepper spray rampage. OR maybe I would have been so miserable at the college that I would have sucked really bad at writing my paper and I would have gotten a bad grade. So I wish to thank my subconscious for saving my life, my eyes, and my GPA. Also I have only 1 week of raw dieting left. I am counting down the days to frozen yogurt. 49 minutes left till download is complete.

Fancy Pants

My loving and sweet boyfriend is so sweet and loving. Before Christmas, he bought me some jeans. Really nice jeans, Calvin Klein jeans. When he gave them to me, I was so excited and happy. Then I put them on "Um babe you got them too big. You know my pants size why did you get them big?" He walks over to me and rips the tags off (to prohibit me from taking them back) and then says "I just wanted you to have nice comfy jeans that aren't so tight. And check out the pockets. Deep huh? Those are man pockets." So I have nice jeans that are too big, but they are comfy so I still wear them. Since Christmas I have lost at least 10 pounds, making the pants even more too big for me. The boyfriend has taken to calling them my "memaw" pants. That is what he calls his grandma, memaw. And since I have lost the extra weight, he likes to say things to me like "look at you sportin the sag." Or when we are out and about and he is trying to get my attention he will call out things like "hey saggy britches" or "yo droopy drawers". It is somewhat adorable with his southern accent but I am still beginning to suspect him of purposefully getting me such big pants just so he can mock me for them.

On an related note, recently I have heard three different commercials use the word "gooder," as an English major I am outraged.

I think this is what we call being high maintenance

I love the BF. I really, really do. He dotes on me like no one ever has before. If I ever hint at maybe not feeling well, he does everything he can to get me to bed with lots of water near by. One time, my contacts were bothering my eyes and all day long he was petting my hair, getting me eye drops, and anything else I asked. And then on New Years Eve, we were at dinner with some friends and I hadn't been feeling well all day long. Then I took one bite of my food and with it half chewed I gave him the look, the omg I am going to barf tell me what to do look, he immediately sent me to the restroom, where I preceded to ralf. And afterward, we went home as soon as possible. Well today I woke up with a sinus infection and an infection in my eye. We are talking boogers coming out of every part of my face possible, yes even out of my eyes. And the BF is giving me no sympathy. None. I gently reminded him about the time my eye was barely bothering me and he doted on me for days and that my eye is in much worse condition now than it was then. Still nothing, I am hoping that as soon as we get home he will start the doting. Cause what is the point of not feeling well if you are going to be spoiled?

My Hero

So this semester I have a night class, my first night class ever. And recently this conversation took place:

Me: Are you worried about me walking across campus after dark?

BF: Hmm now that you mention it, yes.

Me: Really?

BF: We're going to need to get you some sharp pencils.

Me: I prefer writing with pens

BF: Not for writing, you have to keep them sharp so you can stab people with them

Me: I am going to protect myself with sharp pencils?

BF: I once saw a man stab a man with a regular old spoon

Me: No you didn't

BF: yes I did, it was on a movie

Me: well should I carry spoons with me?

BF: No this is what we are going to do, you are not going to eat dinner. That ought to be enough to scare anyone off. And we'll send pencils just in case.

Me: Good plan. Thank you for keeping me safe

BF: It's what I do babe, I love you

My revised school supply list:

paper
pencils (for writing)
pencils (for stabbing)
spoons (for eating with)
spoons (for stabbing with)
jar of peanut butter

Round 2?!?!

Ding Ding! Here we go for another round of mad woman Shauntae. I was doing so well but this morning I went to the BF's to make a fruit shake for breakfast as I have been doing for 2 weeks. Well this morning, I entered the house and he jumped out from behind the door and scared me. After I screamed I began to cry and he began to laugh. He then told me to go make my shake so we could leave. This is somewhat close to what my crying rant was minus the wizard swears: I don't want a shake! I am so tired of shakes! I want some bleep bleep bleep potatoes and bleep bleep ketchup bleep bleep banana bleep bleep I don't even like bleep banana's and that's the only thing I can eat. Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep.

Then I ran to his room and hid under the covers while he still laughed at me and brought me a banana to eat. I don't even care about the 6 pounds I have lost, I want some toast smothered with butter. The only comfort I have is that since the beginning of this diet, my hands and feet have been as cold as ice and every chance I get, I put my ice cold hands up his shirt, around his neck and whenever I see his butt crack, the ice hands attack. It's about finding joy in the simple pleasures right?

I have exactly 1 flaw

My one flaw is that, at times I am very impatient. Mostly when it comes to travelling and the coming and going to places. When I am ready to leave, I expect everyone else to be as well. And if they aren't I start whispering threats to people or no one in particular. For example, when I was a nanny and we went on trips to Hawaii, I was always the first one ready. And when I was ready, I was anxious. So when loading up to leave and the kids were dragging their feet, I would whisper things to them like "listen you little shit, you get your butt in the car or I am going to drown you in the ocean" or "hey you punk, I am going to catch a jelly fish and make it sting you." The threats were never as effective as I had hoped. This weekend, the BF and I are going skiing and I am more than a little excited as I have never been before. Well I have been ready since I woke up but he had to work and I am not so patiently waiting for him to be finished. I even threatened to drown him in the pool if he doesn't get off work early. He told me to eat a banana and then handed me a banana. The food didn't help my impatience and I am just going to explode if I don't get to put on my new ski clothes soon.

Just call my Auntie Tae Tae

I am officially an auntie!! It seems like just last year I was on a family vacation wrecking cars and trying to help my sister trick everyone into thinking she was car sick and not sick with a small sea monkey growing inside her. And now finally that sea monkey is a full blown babe with fat cheeks. I have only seen pictures thus far but she is completely adorable and I love her already. Congrats to my sister, her fiancée and my parents for becoming grandparents. Hooray for babies even if they do get here through C- section ;)!!

Here's to Finding a Good Man

Last night I had a dream about one of my past boyfriends. I was trying to convince him to do something like run away with me or something like that and he said this "my mother would be so mad." And that is when I woke up. Once awake, I realized that BF is the only one of my boyfriends that doesn't live with or near his mother. No really listen to this:

Boyfriend 1: lived with his mother

Boyfriend 2: lived with his grandmother

Boyfriend 3: lived within 20 minutes of his mother

Boyfriend 4: lived with his mother

Boyfriend 5: lived right next to his mother

Boyfriend 6: lived within 10 minutes of his mother

Current boyfriend lives 3000 miles away from his mother. Seriously how did it take me so long to find a man that finally grew up and left his mother? Moms are great but really there comes a time when a boy needs to grow up and non of these mothers seemed to be encouraging the grow up and be a man. Or maybe it was my fault doing the whole nanny thing maybe just by default men with mommy attachment issues were just naturally attracted to me. I am not sure but really mom's the more you treat your son like a baby girl the more they will grow up to be a baby girl. If I had a quarter for every man I made cry by saying to them "Why don't you grow some balls and stand up for yourself" I would have no less than a dollar. A 4 men may not seem like a lot but it's 4 too many men.

One time I saw take place at the park a woman yelling and berating her husband for letting their four year old son fall less than 10 inches to the ground. First of all the child wasn't even hurt and secondly, there is nothing wrong with letting the kid cry. Don't even get me started on the way the woman was treating her husband. I was humiliated with him. I was like hey lady maybe if you treated your man like a man he would act like a man. The problem with this world is that men are acting like women and women are acting like men and no one likes a woman who acts manly at least I don't anyway.

Anyway the gist of my rant that doesn't make sense is that I am so glad that I finally have a man that isn't afraid to make a decision and isn't afraid to chase me and who isn't afraid to let me know when I do something he doesn't like. Stephen takes care of me, he makes me feel pretty and perfect, he is a real man and I love him.

The Pain was Short lived

You know all of the pain that I was experiencing yesterday from my raw diet? Well today it is totally (well almost) totally gone. I am happy as a clam and I have a bunch of energy. AND my skin looks fantastic. Not to mention that my pants that fit just right last week are already bagging in the front. I feel good. And I think BF might make it out alive.

Save Me from Myself

Some one save me from this self induced hell. What in the world made me think I could do a raw diet? I don't even like many vegetables and the ones that I do like, I enjoy best cooked not raw. I have been at this for exactly 30 hours. That's right, not even a full 2 days and I have already had several melt downs including full blown tears for at least 10 minutes, and I have thrown up 3 times, and the BF has been yelled at for probably a total of 2 hours. I feel bad for him. I am sticking with it for now, cause I hear it is supposed to get better. And the theory is that the stomach ache and headache and mood swings are basically me going through withdrawals like I am a drug addict. This better get better or one of us (probably the BF) won't make it out of this 30 days alive. I'm going to go cry now.